Episode 094 – Finding Joy part 1: Perspective
Adam fell that we might be; and we are that we might have joy. How is that joy going for you? Are you feeling joyful?! You probably struggle to feel real joy and are just trying to make it through another day, week, or month. We really can find joy in our lives, no matter what is happening, because joy doesn’t have to do with the circumstances of our lives, it has to do with the way we engage with the world. When you find joy in your life, that naturally carries over into how you approach your relationships and you will positively affect all those around you. Join me in the finding joy series and find more joy in your life.
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Full Transcript
Adam and Eve felt that we might be and we are that we might have joy. My big personal goal for 2023 is to let go of perfectionism. I’m doing that by utilizing Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection.
She has 10 guideposts in there that she says are the things that we need to work on to contribute to wholehearted living and letting go of perfectionism. And I’ve been working through one of those guideposts every month, this month, April, I’ve decided to work on the guidepost number four, cultivating gratitude and joy.
And I’ve been thinking a lot about joy and about how that relates to our experiences here on the earth. And this scripture in second, if I came to mind, you know, the fall of Adam and Eve is so important to us. It’s one of those pivotal moments in our history, that affect all of us. It was so pivotal that we’re all here because of it. And we came to earth so that we could find joy. We heard the plan of happiness at our preexistent state and shouted for joy.
But how joyful do you feel now? How is that going for you? When life gets heavy, and it gets hard to find joy? How do we access it? But it’s why we’re here. They fell so that we could come here and find the joy? Why is it so hard to find?
Well, Brene Brown describes the joy as a state of being. She says it differs from being happy. Happiness is an emotion that’s connected to how we view our circumstances. But joy is a spiritual way of engaging with the world. And then she goes on to describe how joy is connected to a gratitude practice.
02:39
I just finished a three-month series, if you’ve been following along this podcast, you already know that. But that series was the no love grow series was a great, awesome series, I learned so much from it. I know that so many of you listeners also learned so much from it. So if you haven’t listened to that, you should go back and catch some of those episodes.
The LOVE part of that model, in the KNOW, LOVE, GROW Model is the one that I really found the most interesting, because love in this sense means acceptance of what is without fighting it. And to go just one step further, it’s to actually be grateful for the things that you have in your life, and the things that you want and the things that you don’t want the easy things and the hard things. When we can do this, it leads to further growth. And we are on this earth to grow to progress to move forward. If we don’t have an acceptance of what actually is in our lives, and we’re just stuck wishing that it was different, then we block ourselves from growth and progression.
03:48
Now I want to introduce you to the next series that I’ll be working on in this podcast. And that is finding joy in our lives. A lot of the things that I’m going to be taking from this series is from a book called The Book of Joy. If you tuned in and 2021 You know, that was my favorite book of the year, written by Archbishop Desmond Tutu, and the Dalai Lama. They give us eight pillars of joy.
The first four are qualities of the mind. And the next four are qualities of the heart.
I’m going to be going through each one with the perspective of a coach. They go through these pillars with the perspective of religious leaders. I’m going to go through these series with perspective of a coach, which is how do we struggle to with each one of those? Which what each one of these things? How is so hard to create these things in our life so that we can find joy? And why is it important and how can we begin creating it in our lives? The first quality of the mind that we need to cultivate to find joy is perspective.
05:01
And the problem is, there’s so many things getting in our way of having a true perspective, in our own lives and in the world. There are many things that contribute to this. And I’ve picked three main ones to review today.
The first one is just that our brain filters out what it thinks that we don’t need to know. It filters out so much more than it lets in. And it does this according to how we already think. In fact, we just love being right. And our brains want to prove us right so badly, that it takes our current thoughts whether we’re a conscious of them or not, and, and our brain will go to work to make those thoughts come true. It filters out everything that we that would not prove our opinion, as correct. So we are literally blocked by our own brains, to see things that differ from how we already think, well, this means that we don’t ever create anything new, unless we purposefully realize this and try to create something new, and see things differently. Because if we create our lives, by the way that we think, and we never are shown things that prove our thoughts to not be true, then we don’t ever create anything different, we just keep reinforcing our same opinions and our same way of thinking.
06:24
The truth is, though, that everybody sees things differently. It’s like a set of prescription glasses, that is unique to you, no one in the world has the exact same prescription that they see the world through. In fact, how many times have ever been said on this podcast that you don’t see the world as it is, you see the world as you are.
06:48
You’re not seeing anything, but what already confirms your perspective that you have in your own life. So your brain is filtering out things. And it’s just helpful to know that there are things out there that I’m not seeing, it’s because my brain isn’t showing them to me.
07:07
So that’s the first one, the next one, we all have a negativity bias, our brain is actually biologically programmed to look for negative things. Because doing this helps you stay alive longer think of our ancient ancestors in how they had to be constantly aware of their environment. And if they didn’t pay attention to the things that had the potential to kill them, then they for sure would die. And so our brains developed a negativity bias.
07:39
We say as coaches, we say that life is 50/50. And that means like, you know, 50%, good 50%, bad 50%, you want 50% You don’t want 50%, comfortable, happy, great emotions, 50%, uncomfortable, negative, unwanted emotions. We say that because we really do need to see that there are supposed to be a contrast in our lives, not just out there. But within ourselves, too.
I’ve actually seen some models of this same idea that put this not at a 50/50, but more around a 70/30 in favor of the positive or 80/20 in favor of positive. And we’re just not able to see because of the negativity bias. And because of our brain filtering things out, we can’t actually see all the good that is there. Because we’re going to give more attention to the negative, the negative will be bigger in our own minds. And the positive will be smaller or filtered out.
08:49
Isn’t that interesting to know, though, that my life is not really 50/50? It’s actually I think my life is 90/10. I don’t know about you, but I think my life is probably 90% Positive. And 10% of things that are a little hard and things that are uncomfortable, and maybe I don’t want to have in my life. But I know that I need them because I need the contrast. If I didn’t have the things that I didn’t like. And if I was just happy all the time, I would never be able to even know I was happy because I wouldn’t have the contrast.
09:22
The third thing that really gets in our way of seeing things from a larger perspective, is black and white thinking. Black and white thinking is things are definitely all this or they’re all that. We see this a lot. And it’s very compelling too. I actually coach on this quite a bit. Because we do this in ways that we don’t even notice. Because it’s just the way we think things are and it’s hard if you’re not, you don’t have somebody outside yourself pointing out to you that you’re thinking in black and white terms.
10:00
It’s very hard to see on your own.
10:03
We as humans are just meaning making beings. And we are constantly trying to make meaning out of what we see. We take these random facts, and we try to fill in a storyline to make them fit together to make a meaning of the world that’s around us. It doesn’t mean that the story that we’ve made up about the facts is true. But our brain likes to connect things. It doesn’t like, empty gaps in storylines. And so it just assigns a story to these facts.
10:34
And it tells us that it’s true. Our brain takes these handful of facts, and it makes huge sweeping assumptions about them. And then just says, Yep, this is the way that the world is. And this is the way you are, and this is the way other people are. But so often we are wrong, we are really, really wrong many times. But thinking in black and white, really soothes our anxieties about the uncertainty of the world that we live in. We live in a world where at any moment, things could fall apart. And we don’t like to look at that. We like to think that things are stable and certain, and that we can count on them. But so many things in life are not stable and certain, and we can count on them 100%.
11:28
Another reason we like black and white is because we don’t have to think – it’s just the thinking has been done. That means I don’t have to question this, I don’t have to take up my brain power on figuring out something that’s already been figured out. And our brains love to make things as easy as possible. In fact, anytime that we can just not have to think about something and just take what somebody else tells us is true. And what somebody else says, oh, you should just do this. And we don’t have to actually mull it over, and dig and struggle with our thoughts.
And if this is actually true for us, anytime we don’t have to do the struggle, we’re gonna pick the easy, it’s just one thing that our lower brain is programmed to do. It’s programmed to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and make things as easy as possible. That’s just part of our lower brain. It’s part of that animalistic lizard brain that we all have.
12:27
When we fall into black and white thinking, we do not allow other perspectives. We think that our perspective is right. And we don’t question it. It does not allow for the complexities of life of our own lives, and maybe another person’s lived experience that is different than ours, we just don’t allow that. Black and white thinking really is the junk food diet of our brain. Because we don’t have to think it’s just easy. It is there. And we can just pick it up and consume it so easily in our brain feeds off of it just loves it. But it does not pressure us into growth. And it does not pressure us into figuring out the complexities of life and having a bigger perspective.
13:16
So how do we combat these three things, our brain filtering, our negativity bias, and black and white thinking? Well, we really need to, to order to find joy in our lives. And remember, happiness is connected to how we perceive the circumstances in our lives. But joy is connected to a spiritual way of engaging with the world. Perspective is something that we need to try to find with our minds. It’s a quality of the mind. And the way that we see the world is the way that we experience the world.
13:55
I think this is one of the reasons that it’s so good to work with a coach, because think of trying to read a label on a jar. But you’re actually inside the jar, you can’t see what’s on the outside. The same thing happens with our own minds. We try to see our own flawed ways of thinking. But our own brain is blocking us from seeing it because we’re inside our own brain. When someone outside of us can show us the way that we’re thinking. They can read our label, they can see things the way that we can’t see them. And they can point things out to us that we didn’t see ourselves because we’re in sight, our own brains, we are inside the jar.
14:37
There’s a Buddhist concept that we with our own mind, we create our own world. Remember, the way you see the world is the way that you experience the world.
14:50
So you are creating your own world with your own mind. And so is everyone else and no one else sees things exactly like you do.
15:02
But for everything in life, there are different ways to look at it. Right, everyone’s going to see things differently to one degree or another. Even those in the same family, even those that are sitting in the same church meeting, no two people experience the same thing the same way. And just because you experience something one way does not make it right. It just makes it the way that you experience it.
15:26
We live in a world right now that is so polarized in thought and opinion. And we are just leaning into that immaturity. That isn’t when we polarize our opinions and refuse to see a bigger perspective, that is very immature stance, when we think that our way is the only way to think or view something, we tend to demonize people who think differently than us. It’s this natural process that our brains want to take. We want to split into tribes and view other people who are not in our tribes as enemies or wrong. But this is a very undeveloped view.
16:04
And the more that we feed this way of being, the more polarized we become.
16:09
And it’s often so helpful to just step back and see our own life, from a bigger perspective, when we can see it from a bigger point of view than just right now here today. And we start to step back and look at the bigger picture.
16:27
We start to make more sense and more meaning out of the things that we experience in our own lives.
16:35
Now President Nelson labeled this as myopic, you know, when we get faced with a challenge, especially one that we never considered that we would have, we get very afraid. And when we get afraid when our bodies in our brains we just react from fear. Our vision literally narrows our bodies go into a fight or flight mode, and we get tunnel vision. It can be very hard to see options when this happens. And we need to expand our perspective by calming down our bodies and calming down our fears.
17:11
This is a story President Nelson told in the October 2020 conference. He said
“Not long ago, the wife of one of our grandsons was struggling spiritually. I will call her Jill. Despite fasting prayer and priesthood blessings Jill’s father was dying. She was gripped with fear that she would lose both her dad and her testimony. late one evening, my wife Sister Wendy Nelson told me of Jill situation. The next morning Wendy felt impressed to share with Jill that my response to her spiritual West wrestle was one word. The word was myopic.
17:48
Jill later admitted to Wendy that initially she was devastated by my response. She said I was hoping for grandfather to promise me a miracle for my dad. I kept wondering where why the word myopic was the one who felt compelled to say,
18:03
after Jill’s father passed on the word myopic, kept coming to her mind. She opened her heart to understand even more deeply that myopic means nearsighted and her thinking began to shift. Jill then said, myopic caused me to stop, think and heal. That word now fills me with peace. It reminds me to expand my perspective and see the eternal. It reminds me that there is a divine plan and that my dad still lives and loves and looks out for me. myopic has led me to God.”
18:37
She was able to calm herself down, she was able to step back, Jill was able to see the bigger picture and get perspective. Doing this and not seeing things in such a tunnel vision, narrow, nearsighted way can help us find joy in the middle of our own difficult circumstances. When we can see the larger picture. When we get outside of ourselves and we begin to connect with others. We enlarge ourselves, we enlarge our families, and we enlarge our communities.
19:17
Here are some takeaways for today. I want you to think, how does perspective help you find joy in your family relationships?
19:24
Well, you stop reacting from fear. And fear will make you do and say crazy things that can damage those relationships. You start treating your child like they’re a problem to be fixed, or your spouse like they’re a problem to be fixed, and you start seeing the wonderful qualities that they surely have. You see your own thoughts, feelings and actions more clearly. And you recognize that you might not always be seeing things in a helpful way.
19:53
You stop seeing situations according to your own needs. And you begin to see how you can help others with theirs. Use
20:00
Switch from thinking, “I, me and mine.” And you switch to “we, us and ours.”
20:07
We start living into our own covenants more fully, we comfort those who need comfort, we begin to show up with more empathy for others, and we become better listeners.
20:18
Ausberger said being heard is so close to being loved, that for the average person, they’re almost indistinguishable. Imagine what you could do if you were a better listener and you didn’t try to do that with a defense of your own perspective and your own opinion.
20:36
We can look at something from another person’s perspective, when we can do that we can begin to be compassionate, instead of rigid, and reactive.
20:46
And when we let go of this black and white thinking, this is right. And that is wrong. It doesn’t mean that you have to compromise your values, and what’s important to you. And I think that’s the first thing, the first thought that people have usually, when we talk about letting go of black and white thinking, does not mean that you have to compromise your values. What it does mean is that you can begin to see that yours is not the only perspective. And it helps you to not be so rigid in your thinking, the more rigid your life is, the easier things can break. And that includes you.
21:20
Here’s your challenge for the week. Find a way to look at something differently. Challenge something that you think is very black and white, and see if you can view it from another angle. Ask yourself, What is my brain not letting me see right now? And am I focusing on the negative?
21:42
Maybe ask someone who thinks differently you differently than you on the same topic, what their point of view is, and then you just listen with the intent to understand.
Hey, friends, thanks for being with me here today. I hope we can all begin to find more joy in our lives. Follow along with this series. The first one is perspective. I’ve given you a challenge. I’d love to hear how it’s going for you. You can email me and let me know. Have a great day and I’ll see you next week.
22:09
If you like what you’re learning in this podcast, and you want to know how to apply these tools into your life, I want you to consider working with me in a one on one coaching relationship. The Your Journey program is a highly specialized one on one coaching program. This is tailored specifically to your needs and your goals. When you take the time to work on you, everyone around you is positively affected. Set up a one time coaching call with me and see if this is a good fit for you. This coaching call usually cost $25 But for the month of April 2023. That fee is waived. Set up your call while you can because space is very limited. You’ll find a link in the show notes.
