Episode 95 Finding Joy, part 2 – Humility
Feeling joy is different than being happy. Happiness is found in the circumstances of our lives, joy is found in the way we live our lives no matter what the circumstances. In The Book of Joy, the Dalia Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu give us 8 pillars of joy. The second pillar is humility. It’s about finding connection with each other and value and divinity within ourselves and others.
Look at the pillar of humility through the eyes of a coach – why it’s important, what gets in our way, and how we can move past the obstacles to developing humility.
Full Transcript
I find that joy is something that’s been really elusive in my life. I thought it was for many, many years, because I thought it was so tied to the circumstances of my life. And if things weren’t going well, then how ever was I supposed to feel joy?
I don’t really believe that anymore. I think it’s really hard for us to get to that point where we really can look at our circumstances of our lives differently. And view happiness is different than joy. This series that I’m doing the joy series is based on a book from the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, Archbishop Desmond Tutu. It’s called The Book of Joy. And this is part two of this series.
And last week was all about perspective, how do we widen our perspective? How do we see things with a wider lens. And this is part two of the qualities of the mind that we need to develop, to really find the joy, these are pillars of joy. And this is about humility, you know, all these qualities of the mind and the heart, they overlap with each other.
So you’re going to see some of the perspective that you heard about last week, you’re going to see how that works together with humility. These work together, and they complement each other.
Humility, I looked it up and wanted to see what the definition was. There’s several different definitions, but I really liked this one. And it said, free from pride or arrogance, I think that really, very closely outlines what this podcast will be about today.
And with today, just being a few days after Easter, and after Holy Week, it’s really a good remembrance of humility. You know, we talked last week, so much about Jesus washing the feet of his disciples. And what an awesome example. I mean, just one more way, right that he was an example of humility of him showing us how to live, showing us how to not put ourselves above each other.
And so many of us want to put ourselves above other people. And this actually blocks us from finding joy. But it’s kind of in US biologically, we have this biological need to be in connection with others, to be accepted into a tribe.
It really goes back. I’ve talked to so many times about this. So I apologize if you’ve heard it already. So many times. I really think that we need to remind ourselves of this all the time, though, that it goes back to our very basic programming from our ancient ancestors. And not even so ancient it’s just a few years ago, we couldn’t survive without being in a community without being in a group without belonging to a tribe. And we needed that for our own survival.
Think about our babies. Now, when they’re born, they cannot survive on their own. They need to be accepted and loved in their family and be taken care of. We have a biological need to be in connection with other people to be accepted and to fit in.
One of the ways that we think that we can secure this connection, this acceptance is to elevate our own status. Our brains tell us that if we are more important, if we make ourselves so important to the group or to other people, then it’s going to cement our place even further in this society, in this community in this group, whether it’s in a ward or a family, or a workplace.
And just for an example, how many times have you seen people use church callings as a status symbol or as a sign of being more important than another person, every word I’ve ever been in, it’s been a pretty common consideration that that is a sign of more importance of what calling have you had? Or what calling do you hold? Now, this really directly plays into our ego.
I do like to talk about the ego. But I think that it’s really different than most people think that it is. It’s the same, but it’s different. At the same time, our ego is what really keeps us stuck in trying to elevate ourselves above other people. And our ego is nothing more than a collection of stories that we have about ourselves, and about who we think that we are, and the way that we think our life is supposed to go.
Our ego keeps us from finding joy. Because we are constantly trying to control the way other people think about us. So that we can reinforce those same stories that we have about ourselves, like we need, I need for you to think this way about me because that just reinforces my ego reinforces my story.
And so we go to great lengths to control and manipulate other people so that we can be reinforced in our own story about who we believe that we are. The crazy thing is, is that you can’t control the way other people think any more than they can control the way that you think. And the more that we try to get validation from another person, the less they are willing to give it. And as soon as we stop trying to get validation from another person, and we give it to ourselves, that’s when we find that they will give it to us. But we don’t even at that point really don’t even care anymore if they do.
I find it really fascinating to watch human behavior. I really like to observe people. I just like to observe what makes people tick. I often wonder what’s behind this behavior and what’s driving it. And lately, I’ve been noticing I’ve just kind of noticed a lot of egos happening. And I’ve been observing what a lot of people are trying to do to control the way that other people think about them.
And I’ve seen gossiping, I’ve seen complaining, I’ve seen defending, I’ve seen lying. And I know that there’s more behind these actions than just getting an ego stroked. No one is just that simple. As we can explain things in just one way. We’re all complex human beings. And we have so many reasons for doing the things that we do. And often we don’t even know what those reasons are. We don’t even know our own reasons for doing the things that we do. And so it’s just not as simple as Oh, they’re just trying to get their ego stroked.
You know, I’ve also seen people do things like this selflessly, serve another person. Really reach out in comfort when someone needed comfort and just sit with another person and hold them. When they really needed someone. I’ve seen a person welcome another person with genuine kindness and gratitude for them being there.
When we put ourselves above others, we are trying to control the way another person thinks about us. We let our egos take over. And we block ourselves from joy. Because one of the pieces the key pieces of joy is being in true, authentic connection with other people. And when we are allowing our egos to take over and blocking ourselves from his joy, it’s just a sign of a person who does not know their own value. Or maybe they don’t feel comfortable in giving themselves their own value for one reason or another.
But when we put the ego aside, we don’t let it control us. That’s when we actually become strong. We are strong when we are in connection with others. And we bring them in instead of doing things to elevate ourselves and to keep them out.
One interesting thing about our egos is that at some point during our lives, they crash. It will happen for all of us live long enough and your ego will crash. That collection of stories that you have about yourself. The way that you view yourself the way that you think your life is supposed to go and who you think you are. It comes crashing down. This creates so much cognitive dissonance. We don’t even know who we are anymore. You know what the blessing of that is? Is that is when you are more likely to notice. God step again. and giving you a nudge towards seeing who you really are. Who you always were, but you were so caught up in your own ego story that you couldn’t see it.
I know the exact moment that this happened for me, have you had this happened for you? It’s a blessing, it does not seem like it at the time, it seems like everything is falling apart. But in purse giving perspective, right, given perspective that sometimes takes time to see. You can see it for the blessing that it is. And this is when we really start to find humility, and we allow ourselves to be open to it, we allow ourselves to be open to maybe not knowing who we really are, and who we always thought we were, and the story. We’re open to the story changing. And maybe we don’t know the best story for us, maybe we need a bigger picture.
Adam and Eve fell, that we could come to this earth. And we wanted to come to this earth so that we could find joy. That does not mean circumstances align all in the way that creates happiness for us, that actually is a block for joy. Another thing that we find in the scriptures is that we are to love our neighbors as ourselves. But we do such a terrible job of loving ourselves, that we also do a terrible job of loving our neighbor.
And when we don’t see our own value and our true identity, we can’t see others value, or their true identity, it’s very helpful to recognize that we are very vulnerable. As much as we don’t want our minds do not want to let us see this. And to remind us that we are very vulnerable. And we are actually our lives are very frail. It’s this is a reminder that we need each other.
We are not created for independence, but interdependence, and mutual support. And if you’ve had your life story, crash, you know what I’m talking about, you know how all of a sudden, life seems very frail. And it seems uncertain, and you don’t know what you can count on and you don’t feel like you have a foundation under your feet anymore.
And once you’ve experienced this, you are much more likely to have compassion and love for another person who’s in the middle of their crash, you start to see people who are in the middle of this for themselves, and your heart goes out to them, and you draw them in and connection.
We are all children of God of equal and intrinsic value. No one is a divine accident. I don’t care what your life circumstances are, you are not a divine accident, we are each essential. And you are the only one who can fulfill your divine role in the universe. Think about that for a second. Only you and of all the billions and billions of people who live have lived or will live on this Earth. Only you can fulfill your divine role in the universe.
And Humility is the recognition that your gifts are from God, and you don’t feel ownership or pride over them. Instead, you feel gratitude for those gifts. Which by the way, is another one of the pillars of joy that we’ll be going over in a few weeks. When we feel this way, it allows us to celebrate our own gifts, and to celebrate the gifts of others. Just because we’re celebrating the gifts of others does not mean that do we have to do nice our own gifts or shrink from using them. Because God uses each of us in our own way. Or even if you’re not the most capable of the one handling a situation before you. Sometimes you’re the one who is needed because you’re the one who is there.
So humility does not mean that we devalue ourselves, it’s actually the opposite. It means that we see our value. And we also see the value of others. It’s a position of strength, not weakness. We find our own strength and we can help others to find theirs. And that brings us in community with each other.
Here’s your takeaways for today.
#1 – We need each other biologically it’s actually a cellular need that we all have to be in connection with other people. When we put ourselves above another person, we isolate ourselves and we can’t connect with them in a loving The inauthentic way. And anytime we reject others, and we don’t allow them to be a part of our community, we are weakening society as a whole. Now, is it necessary for safety reasons to not be in connection with certain people? Absolutely. But that is far less common than we actually realize.
#2 – If we have love and kindness towards ourselves, if we see our own worth, and are grateful for our own gifts, and see our own strength, then we can have love and kindness towards other people. We see our own worth, we validate ourselves as being important and essential in our community, just because we are not because of a status that we attain, then we can do the same for others.
But being kind to ourselves is essential in this equation.
Having love for yourself is not selfish. And it does not mean that you are conceited, it means that you see your value and that your value is not dependent on what other people think, or what other people do, or any status that you may or may not have attained. When you truly see your own value, you don’t need to get that from others. Because you see that it was something that they could never give you in the first place. You always had it, there were just some things that were standing in your way of seeing it.
Here’s your challenge for the week, if you’re ready to take it. If you’re willing to accept it, here’s your challenge.
Just be an observer of yourself. Like a third-party observer, just notice. When do you find yourself pulled towards trying to control how another person thinks about you. Maybe you find yourself explaining yourself a little too much just so that you can make sure that they understand. Or maybe you agree to do something that you don’t really want to do, but you do it anyway. Because you want them to think that you’re a good person. Or maybe it’s something else doesn’t really matter what it is. Just be a third-party observer of yourself and write down the things that you see. At the end of the week. Just ask yourself, “How are these things keeping me from finding joy in my life? How are they keeping me from finding humility?”
That’s what I have for you today. I don’t know I think maybe these podcast episodes, just like a calling and church. Like I think I probably get more out of them than you do. But I hope that you’re getting some value out of these. I know I find so much value in my own life from just digging into each of these concepts, and being able to share them with you.
Thank you for being here with me. I am grateful that you are here. If this podcast series or any of the series that I’ve done, has really resonated with you would you share it with another person? Would you share it with someone and just let them know why you’re sharing it. And just let’s just start spreading more joy in our in our individual lives and in our families.
Have a great week and I’ll see you next time.
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