If you are the parent of an LGBTQ+ child, chances are, that there has been a time when you have felt like your entire world has crumbled and you’re trying to put the pieces back together. Or, maybe you’re in the middle of that right now, and don’t know what to do. Meagan Skidmore and I have been there, and are past that point in our lives and have been able to find peace and a tremendous amount of increased love for our lives and our children, no matter where they are in their journey. Listen to this podcast to find some help for your journey as you navigate this road with your child.
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Tina Gosney 00:00
You’re listening to Parenting Through the Detour, Episode 37 Love and peace with your LGBTQ+ child a discussion with Megan Skidmore
Tina Gosney 00:17
Howard W. Hunter said, “Your detours and disappointments are the straight and narrow way back to him.” And we know that men and women are that they might have joy. But when you get taken on a parenting detour, it feels like joy is something that other people get to feel. But not you. It doesn’t have to be this way. Join me on this podcast. And let’s find some joy through your detours. And I’ll give you some help along the way. I’m your host, Tina Gosney. And I’m a life and relationship coach, and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
Tina Gosney 00:59
Hey, welcome back to the podcast today. This is the last and final episode in February in the month of love, when I dedicated this podcast to everything love. And this one I knew I wanted to bring in something that had to do with LGBTQ children and being the parent of one of those special kiddos. And so I decided to bring in Megan Skidmore, she and I met a few months ago. And I love how she has created such a loving environment in her own home with her own kiddos about this topic. So I prayed and Megan, so we could discuss what it looks like to really be able to show your LGBTQ+ child love and the eyes that Heavenly Father might look at them through. Now before we get to this discussion I had with Megan, I want to remind you that I’m doing this beta launch testing of a new program that I’m beginning. And that beta launch starts in March. I’m accepting applications for right now.
And I’ll put a link in the show notes if you want to go and apply for that. And I highly advise going in there and submitting an application. Now if you are finding that you need to find love and peace in your life, if your emotions with your kids or any other relationship, you just feel like you’re on a roller coaster and you don’t know how to get ahold of those. Or you just find yourself spinning around in creating the same negative scenarios in your relationship over and over again, you really need to participate in this beta launch of this program. We’re going to be addressing all of those things in this program, and you’ll get the help that you need. The financial and the time commitment for the beta testing is pretty short. It’s just one month. So if you’ve been wanting to get your feet wet, if you’ve been wanting to try out coaching, with very little commitment on your part, this is the time for you. So go to the show notes. I’ll put a link there, you can find the application. And I’m looking forward to seeing your application come through. And I’m going to let you listen to this discussion that Megan and I had finding love and peace with your LGBTQ plus child.
I’m Megan Skidmore and I am a life transitions coach. I help individuals and families embrace the unknown and uncertainty as they navigate life transitions. And this this niche resonates with me because of personal experience. Having grown up in an active what we call active participating LDS home it was well there was a lot of things that came up when we found out that our youngest identified LGBTQ plus a few summers ago and from a religious faith standpoint it it literally rocked my world. And so where I’m at now is definitely different than where I was then. And I embrace where I’m at. Now. I’m grateful for the many opportunities and lessons I’ve learned and the way I have felt God molded and shaped me into somebody I know that our heavenly parents want me to become and I’m I truly believe it’s my children’s It’s credit to them, for the kind of mother that I have been evolving and becoming,
Tina Gosney 05:10
oh, that is really beautiful. Megan,
Tina Gosney 05:14
I think that there’s a lot of parents in your position and in my position that would say, like, this rocked my world, when my child came out to me, active stalwart generational families that are having kids come out in their family, and how it feels like your entire foundation, the entire belief system that you had in a way has crumbled, but then found their way back to this is such a huge blessing in my life, to have this child and to be able to see things differently. And to have my eyes opened up to things that I had never, I was literally blind to them. Until this situation, absolutely,
I remember reading an account of another mother and it, I just, I think I just started to cry when I read it, because basically, she said, Imagine yourself sitting on a sacrament queue in the chapel on a Sunday, everybody sitting with their families, all listening to the speaker, some you know, one child is braiding the other child’s hair, you know, you’ve got your arm around your husband or your, your son or daughter or whatever. And then out of nowhere, an earthquake hits, and it absolutely rips the church building. It your Pew is just separated. And it’s there’s this enormous hole where you used to be in your family is split ones on one side and ones on the other. And then you you notice and you look around. And your Pew is the only one that’s been hit. Yeah, that’s what it feels like. It does. Because it truly did feel like oh, my goodness, this is this is going to separate our family. Or we don’t fit.
Tina Gosney 07:24
Was our pew suppose supposed to fit into this beautiful church building? Right? When
it looks like we’re ripped in Wait a second, nobody else sees what just happened? Wait. Yeah. You know, and that’s, I think, where that’s a kind of a good descriptor of the isolating part, I felt kind of isolated for a while. Not so much now. But yeah, I think that although I felt that way, then that story really resonated with me. I don’t, I don’t feel that anymore. I can honestly say I don’t feel that anymore.
Tina Gosney 08:06
And it’s a journey to go from feeling like you, your entire foundation is crumbled, you’re split in half like that, to where, and I would say I’m probably in a similar place, as you I think everyone finds their own. I don’t think we’re ever all in this, you know, the, we arrive at the same place. But we all get to our own healthy, peaceful place, with the situations that we’ve been given, and I would say, Blessed with in my life. But it’s definitely a journey. And I know there are a lot of people that are still feeling that crumbling, like they’re split in half, or maybe that they’re trying to pick up those pieces and put them back together. So they can look the same as they did before everything fell apart. But it’s really a things are never going to be exactly the way they were before. You’re going to find a new way of putting things back together. That’s beautiful. And I think more foundationally solid. For myself,
I completely. I completely agree with that. As a matter of fact, I kind of view it as you know, I’m at a place now where I can truly have compassion for those that are, you know, in that part of their journey, because where I’m at now? Yes, well, I felt like my pieces were shattered. You know, my world was shattered into lots of pieces. I can see how God has is showing me and continues to show me how to put them back together. But you’re right, it’s not going to look exactly how it was before. And you don’t want it to actually the mosaic that he’s helping me and our family create is more beautiful than anything I could have ever imagined. Yeah, That is truly something that requires faith to release that those reins, you know, we, we love to try to think we’re in control. But when you let when you truly let God take them, he just won’t believe the mosaic so he can help you create.
Tina Gosney 10:22
Yeah, yeah, I think that’s beautiful, a beautiful visual, I think it’s really hard when you were pretty much in the same generation, and we grew up and thinking, you know that I am going to raise this family, and it’s going to look like this. And then my kids will do this. And they will just continue on the way that I think that it’s going to. And for me, it looks like well, I’ve got these, these children, and I’m active in the church. And that’s where I want to be, and I want to stay. And that’s where my my home and my life and community and where I find firm foundation. And then my kids, of course, they’re going to find that to a home at church, how would they not they were raised in our home, and we did all the things we’re supposed to do, and that we told, you know, we’re told that we were supposed to do and then things just started, like you said, like just kind of got ripped out from under us.
And then it becomes, I’ve noticed that when our children decide that church is not home for them anymore, we tend to very they tend and on purpose, because we associate these two things together for them is that they also leave God so they leave the church, they leave God, because those two things go together. What I’ve noticed is that, for me, they don’t really have as much of a connection, as they used to, in my own mind. And so I’ve tried to also convey to my children, that they don’t have to be sitting in a pew at church to have a relationship with their Heavenly Father. And I think that that’s a hard sometimes a hard thing for them to comprehend just because those two things have been associated so closely for so long. And they don’t have the experiences personal experiences in their life through the many years that I’ve had, with with a relationship with God and having prayers answered and, and seeing the blessings come from him and having that relationship there. So I think we were talking about,
Tina Gosney 12:48
helping our kids find a relationship with God. Yeah, if they don’t want to be in church,
or so, you know, I remember the moment I, I had this, I know it was just insight, wisdom, divine wisdom that just filled my soul. Because I was I was just overcome with just not knowing what to do, not knowing what was next, not knowing what the future held. And I remember I walked down the stairs. I mean, it was honestly to this point of not being able to breathe, and I had I know it was the Spirit just whispered to me. Just just just put away all the fray, like push the fray aside, just strip it down, back to the basics. And just see your child as God sees your child. In other words, find those eternal eyes, right and just see who your child is at their very core being see their heart. See, what motivates them, what they’re passionate about, and what what they love. And my hope, since that time has been that as I can see my child children through eternal eyes, that that unconditional love setting aside separating whatever choices. I’m not saying that I believe that this is a choice my child made.
That’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is whatever however they live their life, right? That’s one thing but who they are at their very core is something that that’s their eternal being right and that is who God knows and loves, and he loves all of it but and I decided that the way my both of my children no matter where where your children are at in their path, right, the way that they are going to get to know God is through the love that my husband and I can show to them, their parents right through that unconditional. As much as the humaneness of us, you know, are able to just just unconditionally unfailingly. And you know, that includes apologizing. That includes saying I was wrong, that includes saying, You know what? I saw things in this certain way. Right? I didn’t know any differently. I didn’t know a better way. And I’m seeing with new eyes, I’m sorry. And I’m going to do better. That is so powerful, when you can be just real with your children, especially as they get older. They’re truly embryonic adults. Right. And so when they when they know when you’re treating them, as such,
Tina Gosney 16:29
yeah. And I think that’s really, I think it means a lot to a child, at no matter what age they are, but especially as they get older, for a parent to come and say, Hey, I’m so sorry, I was wrong. You know, I thought I was doing the best that I knew, but I was wrong. And I’m so sorry, if I hurt you. Or I’m so sorry, I understood things that way. And that’s how this, that’s why it was this way in our home. I think that’s really a powerful thing for a parent to do, to come to a child and say that,
I agree, I believe that the Spirit will come in, when you because you are expressing love. And you are expressing. I’m imperfect. And I’m sorry. And you feel that on both ends. And it’s real. And as a NSF kind of a bonus, not that this is why you’re doing it, it actually fosters that same authenticity from your kids. It’s not going to be instant, it’s not going to be overnight. It’s kind of like a garden, you have to cultivate it into it, you know, nourish it. Take out the weeds when they start popping up.
Use the bug killers organic Of course. And water it and it’s a process and you know what some of those
little plants that look like carrot tops, they’re gonna turn out to be weeds. And that’s okay. Yeah, and some of them are going to actually be a melon you didn’t plant but that popped up anyway from last spring seeds. And that’s yeah, that’s a fun surprise too.
Tina Gosney 18:29
Yeah, and I think that, that when your child feels like, you’re acknowledging your own humaneness, like yes, I’m a flawed, I’m flawed human being that and I’m not putting myself out there is perfect. And like I have all the answers. And I really want to know, like, what you think and what your experiences and tell me like I really want to understand where you’re coming from. I think that is so huge and fostering Connect. Oh, absolutely. Oh, yeah. And trust and the possibility of them, then like when you it’s Stephen R. Covey. He’s one of his habits, right is seek first to understand and then to be understood, yes. So when you are doing that, when you just really want to know, tell me what this is like for you. Tell me your experience. Tell me your thoughts. I think that is such a huge place to connect with our kids to acknowledge Hey, I’m here learning right along with you. Yeah. And I don’t know everything. Can I take your handle? Let’s do this together.
Exactly. Just because you’re the parent doesn’t mean you’re no longer a student of life. Right? You’re still learning. You’re still stumbling as you go. Getting good at some things. And I have I just think it’s so powerful. And you will be so grateful that you modeled that for your kiddos. Because as they get older and grow into adulthood, that trust only deepens, those connections only strengthen. And, you know, I’m learning this for myself as my, my kids are, are inching up there and the teens, there really is truly a friendship that evolves. Right. As much as we still hang on to that. What are you doing eating that? Or what are you doing? Are you eating enough at school? Are you Yeah, getting enough sleep, wanted to text me more, you know, that kind of thing? That I mean, I think I’ll still be doing that when I’m a grandmother, that it’s just beautiful to see how, just that that simple exercise of validation and listening can just blossom. And you’re also modeling for them, how to have healthier relationships, that, you know, I cross my fingers and my toes, and I just, I hope that it spills over and they can then carry that out in their own relationships moving forward as they grow. And oh,
Tina Gosney 21:26
yeah, I think that the chance of that happening is so much greater when you can acknowledge and just model that for your kids. And to just say, I realized that everybody has a different filter, they see life through, even and that’s even God, right. That’s even the gospel. That’s even church. That’s, that’s God, too. So we all have this different filter that we see him through. And it’s not just you child that has a different filter. But literally, every person that walks the face of the earth has a different filter that they see this life through. And don’t assume that somebody else is seeing something just the same way that you are. Because we are we live in the same household, and we don’t even see things the same way. Right. So it’s fostering also compassion and understanding beyond your household and beyond your own family, as well, when you can do that with your kids.
Exactly. I one thing I’ve loved that we’ve done as a family is we’ve traveled quite a bit. I think we as this isn’t just as members of the church, but often Americans clear, quite culture centric. I was, you know, reading something recently about a, a member from Australia. And when they came here to go to school, I thought it was really odd, almost uncomfortable, that we sang some of the hymns that we do on July 4, for instance, because it doesn’t have anything to do with their country. Right. But yet, they still consider themselves a very strong, faithful member, and they also love their country, and all the good things that our country has to offer. So yeah, being able to look outside of your paradigms, right, you the lenses that you grew up, looking through, which we all do. It’s unavoidable.
Tina Gosney 23:28
Yeah. And I think that when we, when we look at other people, we tend to focus on, especially in the church, right, we tend to focus on what are they doing? What are the actions that we see? And I think that’s such a, I want to say useless way to focus on but I think it’s really secondary, or even further down the line, then where is their heart? Where, what are their thoughts? Are they feeling towards what’s being taught towards the gospel towards God, and focusing on where their heart is, is setting a broken arm rather than putting a BandAid on a broken arm by just insisting No, you need to show up to your meetings, or you need to be doing these things. And I think that we need to focus our shift needs to focus on different things. And I think that’s what you were saying before, about when you said the spirit whisperer to you know, look at your child, look at who they are. And I think that is so key to actually knowing and loving and understanding somebody is to look beyond any outward action that you see coming from them. And looking on No, who are they and where’s their heart Where are they headed right direction is their heart headed in?
You know, I love what Jody Moore says. She says the the eyes see what The mind looks for. And when we’re focused, when our mind is focused on, what is that person wearing, it could be our child or someone else’s child or anybody really. Or, you know, oh, gosh, I haven’t seen them here in a month. Those kinds of things are what are you watching, we’re truly missing out, we are, we’re missing out on an opportunity for connection, an opportunity to build trust, and opportunity, most importantly, to show love. Because we’re so focused on the external, on what they’re doing, or not doing wearing or not wearing, saying or not saying, we miss the heart. And we miss that opportunity to for words, in exchange of words, and exchange, that will maybe be one step closer to helping them feel of, of God’s love, or the the presence of the universe or greater power in, in their lives. You know, and I think words matter so much. I think that by being willing to speak of the divine in a in a, in a broader sense. I think that is it also helps others who are on a different faith journey than you when we’re all on different Faith Journeys. Okay. I’m just saying who may not align with what you have been brought up to believe. And maybe you’re also kind of in that developmental process or you’re taking I like to say, you’ve taken a pivot in your faith journey, being willing to to use expansive terminology, I think it’s a nod. It’s respecting, like saying, I hear you, I see you. Right, I get it. Right. You’re, you are curious, you’re unsure of some things. You know, and this is something I share with clients too.
Tina Gosney 27:24
Yeah. And I don’t know if you’ve heard there was a, the, one of the podcasts that I really love is faith matters. I don’t know if you’re familiar with that one. Yes, when Michael Wilcox was on there, and he talked about the compass and the fixed foot and the wandering foot. But one of the things that he said, has really struck stuck with me and, and it was that God is speaking to all of his children, all like all of his children, at all times, in many different ways in a language that they understand. And so, it, he is not only speaking to the LDS church, and Christian faiths, you know, he’s speaking to people who have no formal religion in their lives, or who are very much in a different place or in a different religion. But he speaks to them in a language they understand. Yeah, and speaks to them in different ways throughout their lives. And I think it’s important to acknowledge that we don’t have a monopoly on God.
And I think that is everywhere. Yes, that is so healthy. And that’s one of the things that traveling has shown my kids I wanted to teach them is, you know, I remember we went back to New Zealand, my husband served his mission there. And we arrived, we skipped December 23. That year, we arrived on Christmas Eve, and we went to a Christmas Eve service at the Cathedral in downtown Auckland. That was one of the most beautiful sights, services, experiences, you know, it’s looking outside of our box, whether that’s cultural, familial, political, spiritual, religious, and I do, those are distinct for, for me spirituality and religion, right. Um, it’s just, it’s such a beautiful thing to try to put yourself in the shoes of another and see the world through their eyes, and how they experience the divine. And that only makes sense to me. I truly cannot comprehend the number of children our Heavenly Parents have. And that’s just currently on the earth, right? That’s not even taking into account those that have come before us. So why wouldn’t there be different language used to refer
Tina Gosney 29:49
and to think about how much they love each one of those children and want a relationship agree with each one of them?
And what are they going to be nitpicky? About how they’re referred to it? So
Tina Gosney 30:02
I did want to go back to your garden analogy,
because that was one of my favorite garden,
Tina Gosney 30:11
and to associate just sowing seeds with the words that we use. Because I think that the way the things that we focus on with our kids are the seeds that we plant. And they water them, we water them in a way that they we can plant a seed, and they water it. So whatever we tell them about themselves, you said, focusing on, like, what are you wearing? What are you watching? Where’s your did your makeup look like that, and you haven’t seen you here in a month. And just the the ideas that that connotates when you talk to someone that way, plant seeds in themselves that they believe about themselves, and what we know, as coaches that whatever we believe about ourselves, we will manifest in our lives and make it come true. Yes. So what kind of seeds? Do you want to be planting? Do you want to be planting seeds in your child of, well, you need to do these things. And these things are important. But why? Why do they need to be doing those things? And why are they important? Or do you want to be planting seeds of you are a good person and look at what a lovely way you treated your sister just Yeah. Or I just love that you have so much compassion towards this group of people. And that is such a strength in your life. Because some people really struggle to love someone the way that I see you loving them. And just to make comments about the things that you see that are positive in them. Because they, the more you see the positive in them, the more they start to see the positive in themselves. What we see we we make it grow, we
grow. So this is really good. So I was listening recently to Kara Loewentheil’s podcast. And she was talking about beliefs. And she said, you know, a belief is, it’s really a thought that you’ve thought a whole lot of times, right? And so in thinking of what I would like to impart to my kiddos, you know, anything that comes out of your mouth is most likely going to be something that they then think in their brain. Right? Right. Because they’re going to process it. You know, if mom says, was always a mess, what are you thinking, you know, that’s going to translate, they’re going to filter it, they’re going to take it in, and it’s going to, and they will produce a thought based on that. Right. And so, the way I try to approach is whatever situation I might be walking into, I look for the positives, right? So hopefully, my kiddo and my family aren’t too embarrassed if I share this with you. But we are huge Harry Potter fans in our family. We love Yes. So Mike, how we love the whole series. We even saw the Cursed Child when it was released in London. And that was fantastic memory. So for Christmas this year, this past year, my oldest gifted my youngest one of those life size, giant cardboard cutouts, and this was a Draco Malfoy. That’s who my youngest was for Halloween. We learned how to lift hair color. And so his is naturally dark. We lifted it to very light blonde. So anyway, that cutout is sitting in the bedroom. Is that something I would pick from my room? Probably not. It startles me every time I walk into the room, because it’s life size, and I forget that it’s there.
Tina Gosney 34:07
Yeah, it kind of looks real.
Right? But, you know, simple things like that. Or maybe the color of hair your kid has. For instance, the summer of 2020 wasn’t too long after quarantine lockdown. Full Force. Homebound a lot of the time. Make it I wanted blue hair. For Silas like seriously blue hair. You want royalty. Nothing was open. There were no salons that were open. So we figured it out. I used to do my own hair in college. So I was pretty confident I could do it on someone else. And the beautiful thing is it ended up being this point of connection for me and my child over time. Right It was a beautiful thing. because it was during a really difficult period, the pandemic was in full force. And it was just everything was more intense, maybe a little bit harder because of that. School was at home, what do they call online school, and so on. So it’s actually kind of a bright spot that we get to look forward to. And I would get one on one time. And now I can’t even count on both hands. How many times we’ve changed hair color. We’ve done everyone in the crayon box. Now instead. Yeah, exactly. No, exactly. And so now it’s like what color is next? Let’s go to Sally’s it out. And it’s been kind of fun. Right now. It’s split down the middle, half black, half, kind of platinum blonde.
Tina Gosney 35:49
Oh, that’s fun. Yeah, it
is fun. So now my youngest, he is considering cosmetology school, like seriously considering it after graduating from high school one year early. So it’s pretty cool to see it come full circle like that. So it’s this beautiful test tapestry that can be welven. If you allow it. And if you let it and you look for it, you are going to leave whatever it is that you’re looking for, if you walk in the bedroom, and all you see is it’s such a mess, or look all that hair color sitting out on the on the bathroom counter or temporary tattoos are all you know, piercings if that’s all you see. Right? In your child. That’s that’s where your vision is going to stop it. For me. This is where that what I truly believe was divine counsel for me, that came through that day that I expressed earlier. Just just focus on the heart, push away all the fray, ignore it, strip it all down to the basics, who they are, on the inside on, on a very literal, eternal scheme of things. I know God doesn’t care what color
Tina Gosney 37:08
our hair is. Oh, absolutely. And I think it’s such a great thing to remember to focus on the things that bring you closer together. And to because anything that you focus on, we know is going to grow bigger, and you’re going to see more of it. And when you can focus on things that are positive, you’re just going to see more positive things. And you’re going to see the things that you were meant to see in the first place. You know, I did an interview with Jennifer Finlayson Fife earlier this year. And yeah, I do, too. It’s she grade. Yeah, she said this quote in there, and I probably not going to quote it directly, you know, just exactly how she did. But she said something like, we look for our children to be the evidence of our sufficiency. Oh, and it sounds like what you were doing that summer of COVID is that you released him from being the evidence of your sufficiency, because you gave up the need to appear a certain way, because he appeared a certain way. Absolutely. Let him choose what color hair he wanted. And let that be okay. without it making an mean anything negative about you or about your family or about him. Exactly. Anything else. Exactly. And when we can give up that need for our children, to be the evidence of our own sufficiency. I think that’s when we start to focus on what’s beautiful about this child. What is lovely and good. And, and what do I want to focus on? And that’s just the positive characteristics that they have.
Right. And I truly believe they pick up on that, too. They know what you’re focusing on. Yeah, I mean, it comes out of your mouth. But yeah, they feel it too.
Tina Gosney 38:58
And even if it doesn’t come out of your mouth that comes out in some other way. It comes out in some other way. And they can pick it up
pretty easy. Yep. Because we’re human.
Tina Gosney 39:08
That that’s what that’s the mosaic, right, going back to that first analogy, that if you can pick up that piece that at first you thought was broken from the original shattering of your world, their original earthquake, if you can, piece by piece, pick it up and take a look at it. Right. It might just look like a piece of broken glass. But if you can place it, treasure it, look for opportunities, look at it from different angles, right? And just trust and pick up the next one do the same thing. Maybe put it next to the the one you’ve already placed up there or maybe put it in a different spot in your overall creation. So much of this journey is, is walking by faith, you know, I grew up singing that song. Well,
Tina Gosney 40:10
yeah, I remember that song.
I thought I knew what that meant. I didn’t. This journey has taught me what it really means to walk by faith. You know, we think that doubt is the opposite of faith. No. Certainty is the opposite opposite of faith. Right? Yeah. And it’s that uncertainty, that brings up feelings of fear of sometimes anger, sadness. And if you are acting from a place of those emotions, those those actions, those behaviors are going to be so different than if you are able to, to pivot in your viewpoint and come from a place of love. Those actions will be very, very different.
Tina Gosney 41:20
I used to think that, well, I used to be one of those people that would stand up, you know, in fastened testimony and say, I know this, and I know that Yeah. And I’m not that’s what we’re talking to those people. Now, I feel like, I would stand up and I would say, I, I believe this, or I really want to believe this. But there are a lot of things that I don’t know. And I’m okay with. Not knowing them. If there’s
one thing I would love to do is, let’s just take all the shame out of the picture when it comes to not knowing things, because the reality is every single human being on this earth, there is something they don’t know, there is something they don’t understand whether or not they will admit it to themselves. That’s that’s just the way it is. That’s that’s if we believe what we say we believe about God being omniscient, right? We’re not omniscient. No.
Tina Gosney 42:29
But I think that the longer you’re on the earth, and more you the more you have crumble in your life, the more you realize, oh, I don’t the more I don’t know, the more you know, but the more you realize that there is to know that you don’t.
Yeah. And the more you if you lean into it, the more you can exercise, having that faith, I believe it’s muscle, you can grow it, you
Tina Gosney 42:56
can build it. Absolutely. And when you go to the gym, a muscle has to get broken down before it can get absolutely strengthened. And that is really what happens to our faith, too. Absolutely.
That’s what I remember sharing with an uncle not too long ago, I said, you know, muscle has to be torn down before it can grow back and become stronger. And I really feel like that’s what’s happening with my spiritual muscles. Yeah, I agree. We tend. So each time I lean into whatever comes my way, I feel a little bit stronger, and a little bit stronger. And each time I admit, yeah, you know what, God, I don’t get this. I don’t fully understand this. And that’s okay. I trust in God.
Tina Gosney 43:40
And I, for me, I don’t know about you. But for me, it’s been a sometimes I tend to lean into that muscle and go back to the fear, the fear based actions and thoughts. And I find myself with a lot of anxiety when I do that. And then I have to remind myself and bring myself back like No, I know. Or I really feel like the place that I am now is the place I’m supposed to be. And I need to look, be looking in the other direction and having more faith and trust in God right now. Because when I lean into that fear, I’m not. I’m not exhibiting faith and trust in Him and the answers that I’ve been given, and I know we belong to some of the same Facebook groups and I think it’s amazing to see people share their stories. LDS parents of LGBT kids, it’s amazing to see people share their stories and share the some of their own personal revelations that they’ve received about their child about their family, about their own faith, journey, and walk on this earth and to know that Heavenly Father Jesus Christ, they are very active in our lives, and in the lives directing parents of LGBT kids. Yes,
there. I think I can share this there is a line in my patriarchal blessing that at the time when I received it, and even since then, it seemed kind of Oh, yeah, duh, it said that I would receive perfect personal revelation specifically for my children. And I and my thought, way back when was well, of course. But it really took on new meaning for me in recent years, and more than that, it just gave me a lot of peace, a lot of assurance. personal revelation is so important, and it’s so personal. Just like, we don’t want to judge others for what they’re wearing, or what time they arrive to church, or how often they come or, I don’t know, all the things, right. We truly cannot judge with their personal revelation is either I just want to put it out there. You can be a member of our faith, a member who is having a faith journey. Maybe that journey has pivoted. And that’s not a bad thing, or a good thing. It’s a thing, right? It might be good for the person. But those around them don’t, can just be just be happy, love them for wherever they’re at in that journey. And it’s also possible to be a parent of an LGBTQ child. Those do not need to be like a supporting parent, a loving parent encouraging them on their journey on their path. Those can intersect, right? They they’re not separate. They don’t need to be there or, I think contradict one another,
Tina Gosney 47:22
I think that’s an important point to make is that they don’t have to be separate. You don’t have to take this path or that path, you can make them coincide and live together and make something really beautiful out of it. Like your time.
I truly believe I really believe this and I understand this better. You know, you were talking about missions earlier. Yes, we understand what a traditional LDS mission is, right. And there’s a place for that. And that’s great. There’s other ways for a person to fulfill their mission in this person’s life. Right. And it might be serving a mission it might not. But just because their path looks distinct, doesn’t make it any less valid of a path any less important of a path. I think God is working through his children in just unbelievable ways. just marvelous, wonderful ways that we just can’t even imagine. We can’t right now, probably never will be able to but until they come to fruition for us in our own lives. I just I’ve just learned the more I can. I’m creating a program right now. It’s still in the creation phases, but I call it beyond the binary, right? We we really have this black and white thinking. And it’s not just as related to LGBTQ issues, right? It absolutely branches out into a lot of our thinking in a lot of areas. Because that’s quote unquote safe, right? Our primitive brain wants to keep us safe. And that’s its job. But the more we engage our prefrontal cortex and choose which thoughts to keep, and which ones not to keep is where we’re able to start shedding that black and white thinking and lean into different ways of thinking and still be able to feel safe. Right?
Tina Gosney 49:28
And allowing things to not have to be black and white, and to coexist coexist together, without having to contradict each other.
Yeah, and let them exist indefinitely. Right, being able to, like we say in coaching hold space. I hold space for a lot of things. I’m practically juggling. I’ve learned it’s a skill, right? I can hold space over here. For the journey each of my children are on for the journey my spouse is on for my journey. My extended families, right, I can hold space for the things that I don’t understand. And you learn patience into great and even greater depth. Yeah, I think we think you know, patients you don’t,
Tina Gosney 50:22
we get to learn, it’s like peeling back. If you call it like peeling back layers of an onion, and finding a new layer, a new, a new work to do underneath it. Sometimes I like to think of it as like a parfait, I’m just building one layer on top of another. I don’t know how big this parfait is gonna get. But I’m just gonna keep layering all this work on top of each other. Yeah, but I think as you talk about, you know, black and white thinking about just leaning into the journey, I think, especially in parenting, especially with our kids, as they go through some really difficult things in this world. Right now, whether or not they’re LGBTQ or not, or they’re doing dealing with different things. They’re all going through a difficult journey. But to lean into that with love towards them. And looking at them with an eternal perspective and eternal eyes, not be focusing on today be focusing on the inner the spirit, that that child of God that they are, and watering that seed that you want to have grow. And I think by doing that you both grow through the experience. Absolutely. You grow as individuals,
you grow as parent child. And it’s inevitable that that spills over into growing as a family. It’s really very beautiful. And I think that is what our Heavenly Parents want. I think that is a little piece of heaven. I agree. That’s what I think. Yeah.
Tina Gosney 52:11
That’s a great place to end right there.
Yeah. Thank you so much. It’s great, Tina.
Tina Gosney 52:19
A huge thank you to Megan Skidmore, for being on the podcast today. I just love so many of the things that she said. And I hope you did, too. I hope you found some value in this discussion that we had together about being the mother of an LGBTQ child. So many gems in there.
And I also want you to remember that I have this beta launch coming up. And I’d love for you to participate. There will be a link in the show notes. And if you are wanting to just maybe dip your toe into coaching, find out what it’s about without making a huge commitment with either time or finances. This is a perfect opportunity for you to do that. So make sure you go to the application fill out the application. The link is in the show notes. And I will be getting back to you shortly as we began this beta launch in March. Thanks so much for being with me here today. And I’ll see you next week.