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Saying Things You Wish You Never Would Have Said

We’ve all had times when we said something very unkind in the heat of the moment, and it causes damage to a relationship. Sometimes it just seems so hard to control the words that come out of our mouths, and then we have such a terrible feeling afterwards, thinking, “I never should have said that.” This episode addresses why it’s so hard to control ourselves in moments of heated emotions and how you can begin showing up differently at those trying times so you don’t feel so much regret afterwards.

CLICK HERE to apply for the beta program “Healing Your Family Relationships” Applications are due no later than March 7, 2022, and space is limited.

  • You will learn a lot about yourself! Be prepared to become much more aware of yourself and others and why you are struggling in your relationships with them.
  • You’ll be able to get off the emotional roller coaster you’ve been on. You don’t have to wait for someone else to change to feel better. I’ll show you how to feel in control for yourself.
  • I’ll teach you and show you how to implement many of the relationship tools I’ve used in my own marriage and family, and I use with my clients in my coaching program. It’s one thing to learn a tool, it’s a completely different skill set to be able to know how to use it. I’ll be there, showing you how to apply these tools to your life. 
  • Click the link today, because there are only a couple of spots left!               

Full Transcript

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

relationship, feel, activated, happening, person, nervous system, brain, senses, biological response, program, life, learn, regret, child, angry, apply, moment, dysregulated, family, higher

SPEAKERS

Tina Gosney

00:00

You’re listening to Parenting Through the Detour, Episode 38, Saying Things You Wish You Never Would Have Said.

Howard W Hunter said, “”Your detours and disappointments are the straight and narrow way back to him.” And we know that men and women are that they might have joy. But when you get taken on a parenting detour, it feels like joy is something that other people get to feel. But not you. It doesn’t have to be this way. Join me on this podcast. And let’s find some joy through your detours. And I’ll give you some help along the way. I’m your host, Tina Gosney. And I’m a life and relationship coach, and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I hope you enjoyed February’s episodes all about love. I think that love is such a huge part of what we’re supposed to learn here on the earth. And it’s something that feels so elusive at times, because of the situations that we find ourselves in. And because of many of the thought patterns that our own brains have, and the expectations that we have of other people in our lives, I think there’s a lot of things that get in the way. So I hope you enjoyed those, if you haven’t had a chance to go listen to those episodes, February was all about love. Every episode was about a different way to apply that.

And I want to let you know that this is the last week to submit an application for the beta program that I’m getting ready to test starting March 14. So the program is called healing your family relationships. And it’s by application only, I still have a couple of spots left. So if you are interested in participating in this beta program, you’re going to want to go and apply today. Now it begins March 14, it will run for four weeks. The beta program isn’t free, but it’s a huge discount from what you would pay. If you were doing the full version. later on this year, you’ll have access to all my teaching videos and worksheets, and you’ll get four private coaching sessions with me, plus a group call.

So the coaching sessions themselves plus the group call. That’s where you learn how to apply the things that you’re learning in the podcast, and apply the things that you learned in the teaching videos. Because learning is one skill and applying is another. Have you ever wondered why it seems so easy to see like other people and tell them what they need to do to fix their problems. But it feels like you’re stuck and you’re just different. You can’t figure it out yourself in your life. That’s because you can’t read a label from inside the jar. You can’t see what your own brain is doing to keep you from figuring things out. And this is one of the ways where coaching is super powerful. So if you are interested in participating in that beta program, I want you to go and submit an application. There’s only a couple spots left. So make sure you grab yours.

Now let’s get on to today’s episode. And today I’m talking all about the things that we say in the heat of the moment that we regret later. And we’re like, oh, I shouldn’t have said that. Or why didn’t I keep my mouth shut. I should never have said that. That was not a nice thing to say. Or man that was so mean. And I really didn’t mean it. But now it’s out there and I can’t take it back. And that’s what we’re focusing on is those times where you just start talking in the words in your brain are not connecting. And then you regret it later. Now, I don’t know anyone who hasn’t had a moment like this. And if you’re like me, and like most of us, you’ve had many moments in your life where this has happened. And we all realize that we’re not ever going to be able to say or do everything perfectly.

And there will be plenty of times where we say and do the wrong thing. But as we realize that words can really cause hurt, and damage to our relationships. And we don’t want to do that to our families. We don’t want to do that to our spouses and to our children. No matter what their ages are. We don’t want to show up that way. But how do we deal with this humaneness that we have and not damage our relationships and not beat ourselves up and relive that conversation over and over and over? Feeling so much shame about what happened in the way that we showed up? This is a problem, this is kind of tricky, isn’t it. And I want to tell you, you know, when you do get stuck in those thought loops of beating yourself up, and thinking, Oh, I shouldn’t have said that, and you relive this conversation over and over in your mind, you’re not looking at really what’s happening for the other person and something that you might need to go back and repair. When you do that, you’re really stuck in your own feelings of shame and embarrassment for what was said.

And when you get stuck in that you feed more energy into an already activated nervous system. And you literally can’t see things clearly. And for sure, you can’t access your higher brain and your higher brain is where your best self lives. And your self that really and truly loves and cares for other people is accessible in your higher brain. And when you get stuck in those thought loops of shame and embarrassment, and wishing that things were different, you can’t access that part of your brain. You know, sometimes we don’t blame ourselves, but we blame the other person. And we think things like, well, if they would just act differently, I wouldn’t have had to say those things.

Or if they just did the things they’re supposed to do, I wouldn’t have to get angry. The only time they listen is when I’m angry, and I yell they didn’t listen, the first 10 times, I tried to tell them when I was calm. It’s the only way I can get through to them. I’ve actually heard this a lot for my clients. That Bible leaving those things and justifying why you said certain things, it might feel good in the moment, because it relieves you from the responsibility. But in the long run, it doesn’t really get you what you want. In the long run, you’ve actually sacrificed part of that relationship, in order to get what you wanted in the moment. So especially if you want more love in your relationship, and you’re justifying why you say things that pop in your mind, without thinking them through first, you are not going to be able to get there. Now I see this a lot in the parents that I talked to.

And they say things like, the only way I can get through to them is by saying like it is and not sugarcoating it. And sometimes they’re going to get their feelings hurt. But when we don’t say things from love, when we say when we feel justified in saying things that are unkind, it, it causes unsafety in a relationship. And when someone feels unsafe with you, because of what you say to them, you damage that relationship, and you cause them to start building a wall. And every time you show up, and you’re saying things in the heat of the moment, not saying things out of love, you are allowing that person to put one more brick on that wall, and that wall starts getting higher and higher. And when we start feeling unsafe with another person being around them, can actually activate our fight or flight response. And then think about if somebody feels unsafe with you and their fight or flight is activated.

They’re going to start responding from that. And their nervous system is feeling very unregulated. And you have an unregulated nervous system. And you’re actually have two nervous systems that are going against each other. And that’s actually a recipe for disaster. So realize that you’re going to want to mirror emotions that you are getting from another person. It’s in your DNA. It’s a biological response. And I’ve talked about this before in several episodes. I’m sure I’ll talk about it again in future episodes, because it’s just that important. It’s in our DNA. It’s something that we are prone to do. It really helps us to connect with people in our lives when we can relate to them through our emotions.

But sometimes, it actually gets in the way and causes problems for us. If we’re not aware that this is what’s happening. So I want you to think of a time when somebody was angry with you. And you responded and you just were angry because you had someone coming at you with anger. And then you responded to them with anger. And now you have two nervous systems that are dysregulated and your higher thinking brain that can literally cannot be accessed because the oxygen has been cut off. It’s no wonder if we can’t access our higher brain that we say things that we regret later. Our thinking brain our human brain that we’ve been blessed with from Heavenly Father is not online. And when it comes back online, and we realize what we’ve done and what was said, there’s usually some damage. In that moment, think about acknowledging to yourself and to the other person.

Yeah, I said some things that I wish I wouldn’t have said, and I am so sorry about that. And I feel bad that I said that I am truly sorry, that begins to repair the level of safety in their relationship. Most people don’t even know what it’s like to feel safe with another person. When should I think of can you think of the last time that you felt safe? When is the last time that you felt completely loved and accepted by another person, you knew there was nothing that you could do? Where they would not love you? Have you ever had that experience? It’s actually pretty rare to have that experience in your life. But imagine what it would be like for your child to know that that was you that no matter what they did, or said that they would be safe with you, that the love that you have for them, would never leave them. Imagine what a difference that would make in that relationship with that child.

You know, I know there are some times when we as parents feel like we need to express something to our child, because something that we value, we feel is being threatened because they are not seeing it. And we need to protect it. And we need to protect them from this choice that they’re getting ready to make or that they have already made. And just imagine, maybe you’ve already had that experience come up for you. I want you to stop and remember what that was like, when you were trying to get through to that child like you just need to listen to me, this is not okay, and you feel really activated. All your fear and anxiety is coming up. Well, most likely, if that’s how you’re approaching your child, their nervous system is activated, because they’re feeling pretty defensive, maybe pretty angry as well. And if you’re mirroring their emotions, maybe you start getting defensive and you start defending your point of view as they’re defending theirs.

Maybe you’re also getting angry. Now you’ve got two dysregulated nervous systems, they’re both coming out each other. Neither of them are using their higher thinking brain. Both of those nervous systems, aka people, you and your child are going to be saying things that you regret later. Want you to just stop and notice what’s happening for you. You’re getting some anger and frustration from your child. And then you also begin feeling angry and frustrated. When you are aware that this is happening for you, you can take measures to calm your nervous system to soothe your nervous nervous system.

So you don’t respond back in anger. Because when you respond back in anger and frustration, your child will actually stop listening to anything you have to say. Now, after you stop and notice what’s happening in your body, and notice, oh, this is my biological response right now kicking in. Then I want you to drop into one of your senses to ground yourself, you need to find your grounding again, you can pick any one of your senses.

For instance, if you were going to pick the sense of hearing, you might want to just close your eyes for a minute and say just a minute, I need a moment and focus all your attention on what you can hear the furthest away sound that you can hear. And then maybe the closest stone that you can hear and really concentrate on that and it will ground you into your body. You can pick something your sense of sight, pick something in the room to focus on and notice details that you’ve never seen before. If you’re in the middle of a meal, sometimes these happen. These things happen, you know at dinnertime or when we’re having meals together. You find this situation yourself in this situation at a meal. This is a really good one you can use your sense of taste. So I want you to concentrate on how good the food feels in your mouth and what it tastes like all the different nuances of taste.

Having some food in your mouth is also a great way to give yourself some time to calm down before you respond. Now this might sound really strange if you’ve never heard anything like this before, but getting into your senses is a very common way that we use to calm our nervous systems to ground ourselves to bring ourselves back down, we feel escalated, and we feel emotionally charged. So the first thing you’re going to do is stop and notice that your body is wanting to mirror this emotion. Be aware that it’s happening for you. The second one is drop into one of your senses to ground yourself. And then the third part of that is breathe.

And breathe on purpose and breathe deeply. Because when we get activated, our breath tends to go really shallow. And we are sometimes we even hold our breath, and we don’t even realize that we’re doing this. But as you focus on one of your senses, Allow your breath to be very intentional, especially focus on the exhale. Because another thing that we do is, when we’re activated or nervous systems are activated, we tend to breathe in, but we don’t really let the breath out. So focusing on the exhale, rather than the inhale is another calming mechanism that helps to ground you, and bring your higher brain back online. So let’s just go over that, again, you’re going to stop and notice what’s happening for you drop into one of your senses. And then make sure you’re breathing focusing on the exhale.

That will help you to bring your higher brain back online, where you’re less likely to say things that you’re going to regret later. It’s not to say that you’re not going to say something that you regret, but you’re just going to be able to be responsive, more intentionally. Now, there are still going to be times where you forget to use this technique. Even though you’ve heard it, there are still going to be times where you forget to use this and you’re going to say something you regret. If this happens, just acknowledge this to yourself and to the other person and apologize. Because moving on and not addressing what happened or what was said, you know, sweeping it under the rug doesn’t make her feelings go away. Because it just piles them under that rug.

And then you know, we can pile so many of those hurt feelings away into the rug until it gets so big that you start tripping over it. And then it becomes an obstacle in a relationship. And that happens often with years of unresolved hurt feelings, unresolved things that have been said. Now, it’s easier to not address hard things for sure. But those things pile up one by one, and they create that wall between the two of you. If you let them pile up high enough, it can be really difficult to take that wall down. You’re not always going to be able to control how you show up when you’re feeling emotionally charged as much as you try.

This technique that I gave you today is very helpful. But it’s also a process that it takes time to learn it and learn how to apply it in the moment, there will be mistakes made. And sometimes you’re going to say things you don’t mean, or things that you feel bad about later, even the best of us are not perfect at this. But you can control what you do about it afterwards, when you’re not in a dysregulated nervous system anymore. But when your higher brain is back online, it has oxygen flowing to it. And you realize what happened, you can do something afterwards, you can be a person in your family that apologizes, you can do your best to create safety for the other family members.

And you can be the person that does their best to try to deal with their own emotions, instead of letting them spill out all over the place and make a mess and your family.

Now, if you’re listening to this, and you’re thinking, Man, I really need some help with that. I don’t know how to do that. And I don’t think it’s possible for me, then I want you to go right now. And I want you to apply to be part of my beta test program for healing family relationships. So I’m going to teach you a lot about this in the program. And in this program, you’re going to learn a lot about yourself. So be prepared to come and be much more aware of yourself and others, and why you’re struggling in your relationships with them. And another thing that you’ll get out of this beta program is you’re going to be able to learn how to turn off that emotional roller coaster that you’ve been on.

You don’t have to wait for someone else to change to feel better. I’m going to show you how to feel in control for yourself. And I’m going to teach you and show you had an implement many of the relationship tools that I’ve used in my own marriage in my own family and that I use with my clients in my coaching programs. So it’s one thing to learn a tool and it’s is a completely different skill set to be able to know how to use it. But don’t worry, because I’m going to be there.

And I’m going to show you how to apply these tools in your life. So click the link in the show notes because there are only a couple of spots left in this beta testing program. It will run March 14 through April 14. And don’t worry, I know I’m hitting spring break, we’ll make accommodations for that. So don’t worry if that’s something that you think is an obstacle for you.

The cost for this program is $299. That is a huge price discount from what the full priced program will be when it’s released. So if this sounds like something that you want to take advantage of, don’t wait any longer. Go click the link in the show notes. Now, thank you for being with me today. And I want you to remember that the detours in your family don’t define who you are. You can find growth in your hardest detours if you are willing to do the work to find it. Thanks friends, and I’ll see you next week.