Episode 131 Resentful Or Costly Accommodation (1)

Resentful or Costly Accommodation – Losing Relationship Strategy #6

Episode 131 – Resentful or Costly Accommodation

The sixth Losing Strategy is Resentful or Costly Accommodation. This happens when we collapse who we are into what we think other people want us to be. We deny our own needs and desires, and we give up or refuse to look at what is important to us. Resentment can easily set in when we give us so much of ourselves and deny our own needs.

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Full Transcript

Tina Gosney  00:00

Resentful and costly accommodation says, I will give you everything so that you think highly of me. I’ll do whatever you want. I won’t require anything of you, including your respect or your kindness. Because I want you to like me. And I want you to think that I’m valuable in your life.

Tina Gosney  00:20

Welcome to the coaching your family relationships podcast, where we work on building a stronger you so that you can survive and thrive. No matter what is happening in your family. I’m your host certified family relationship coach, Tina Gosney. Let’s get started.

Tina Gosney  00:42

Hey, welcome to part six of this losing relationship strategy series. I’m so glad that you’re here. So glad that you are tuning in again, to find out what the next strategy is. This one happens to not have come from Terry rail. The first five episodes are all concepts of losing relationships, strategies that came from my teacher, Terry Real. This sixth and seventh one come from some trainings that I’ve done with Jennifer Finlayson-Five, and she’s been on this podcast several times, she’s probably a name that is familiar to you, I cite her a lot, because I really respect the work that she does. But she added these last two, the sixth and the seventh losing relationship strategies, on to Terry Real strategies because she also saw these undermining our relationships. And I have also coached people and seen these number six and seven, I’ve seen them undermining relationships as well.

Tina Gosney  01:40

And a reminder, I don’t want to leave you with just losing strategies, I want you to have some winning strategies. That’s why I’m teaching this class next week, it’s only there’s only a few days left to register. It’s called Healthy Relationships from the inside out, we’re going to be going into depth into how we are using these relationships, strategies, giving you more examples of what this really looks like, and how you might identify how you’re using them and how maybe somebody is using them in a relationship with you. And then we’re going to look at, okay, so now that I see that I’m aware of that, what’s next, what do I do next?

Tina Gosney  02:21

So I’m going to show you a four part strategy to begin working on moving past this and doing something different. One thing that I like about this four part strategy is that it is measurable, it’s actionable. There’s a place for you to focus, it doesn’t like live as an abstract concept inside of your head. But you can actually look and say, How am I doing in number one? How am I doing? And number two, and you can just go down the list and say, Okay, there’s some things here that I need to work on. Where is my where should my focus be. And that’s what I like about this four part strategy that I’m going to teach you.

Tina Gosney  03:01

There’s a link in the show notes, I want you to go register, I’d like for you to register, of course I would I want everyone to come to this class. I think that this class has so much valuable, useful information that everybody needs.

Tina Gosney  03:17

Now, whether or not you’re in a intimate partnership, marriage, girlfriend, boyfriend relationship does not matter. Because that’s not I’m really not addressing that part of it. What I am addressing is how we relate in general, to the relationships in our lives. And so these losing strategies and the winning strategies that I’ll be teaching you apply to any relationship, whether it’s a intimate partner, whether it’s a child and parent, whether it’s a just a your neighbor, or whether it’s somebody that you work with these apply, these are relationship strategies in general.

Tina Gosney  03:57

I would love for you to come go get grab that link in the show notes and get signed up. There’s just a few days left for you to do that.

Tina Gosney  04:05

Today, we’re talking about costly and resentful accommodation. Here’s some examples of costly accommodation. I think that that title is just a little abstract. It’s just a little bit hard to kind of grasp the idea of so I want to give you some examples of what this might look like.

Tina Gosney  04:23

So let’s just say that you are a parent and your children have gotten to the age where they are yet now young adults. You see that how little control you have in their lives. In fact, you see that they’re pulling away from you. They’re creating their own lives. They have friends and people and things that they do that you have never met and you don’t know what those are. And you’ve never been to those places and they’re creating this whole life that is away from you. And maybe you even see them rejecting some things that you taught them when they were growing up. Or you see them reject Doing some maybe some family values that that you thought were important to them, but then they’re going in a different direction.

Tina Gosney  05:10

Costly accommodation would look like you just trying to keep that child in your life and doing anything you can do to keep that child in your life, including not having any boundaries, walking on eggshells around them, not saying things that you think might be helpful, and loving, but you’re not saying them because you’re afraid of what might happen if you do express that thought, or that idea that you have. That’s costly accommodation.

Tina Gosney  05:44

Another example, I was reminded of several years ago, a friend of mine told me about a friend of hers, whose has she found out that her husband was had a porn habit. And she was really caught up in these ideas of not being good enough for her husband, typical place for women to go when they find this out about their spouse. So she was very caught up in these thoughts of I’m not enough for him. She did things like, go get surgery, she had some surgery done to her body, she drastically changed the way that she dressed. She changed the activities that she and her husband did together. She also spent a lot of time checking up on him, like checking the history on his phone or on his computer. Or like trying to putting a tracker on his phone, you know, where you can track your location. She did that. Asking him when he would come home? Who were you with? What did you see? What did you do all have those types of things.

Tina Gosney  06:50

So she gave up so much of herself and her time and her energy to try to manage her husband around this porn habit. And that is costly. That was costly. Accommodation, when we give up so much of ourselves, to try to manage another person that is costly, and after time, it can lead very easily to resentment, which is another part of resent resentful accommodation is part of this losing strategy.

Tina Gosney  07:21

So what does that look like? Well, let’s just say you’re the oldest child in your family. For all those years growing up, it was your job to take care of your younger siblings. But when you all are adults, that role doesn’t change, you hold on to that role. And so you’re still the one, let’s just say you’re at a family party and a family gets together, you’re still the one that’s in the kitchen, prepping all the food, while everyone else is sitting around talking and having fun. And you’re looking at them, saying, sure would be nice to have some help in here. or It must be nice to just not have to worry about doing anything right now. Resentful accommodation, right?

Tina Gosney  08:05

Let’s just continue that same example. After dinner, you’re the only one in the kitchen. Or maybe there’s one or two other people with you. But most people are sitting down playing a game while you are in the kitchen cleaning. What are you doing this resentful? Maybe you’re shutting drawers or cupboards loudly? Maybe you’re sighing and breathing a little bit more, a bit a little bit more loudly than you usually do. Maybe you’re shooting the evil eye, if you catch it happened to catch one of your siblings eyes, maybe you shoot them a look like Why aren’t you in here, you can be rigid, you’re you’re in fact, in this type of situation, your siblings might even call you rigid or difficult or angry. They might label you as those types of things. This is another example of resentful accommodation, right? Because you don’t have to be in the kitchen, you’re choosing to be in the kitchen, you could have easily just sat down and not prep the food. You could have just as easily sat down and play games and not cleaned just as easily as anyone else. But you’ve chosen to be in the kitchen.

Tina Gosney  09:14

And then you’re resentful because of your choice. This is costly.

Tina Gosney  09:19

Do you know what resentment is? It’s not anger, we usually think that it’s anger that’s coming out. It’s actually jealousy. Because what you are doing is not asking for what you need, and not letting your desires to be known.

Tina Gosney  09:34

So let’s just say in this example, you’re not letting your need for help be known. Instead, you’re just taking on all the responsibility onto yourself and then envious of other people who don’t feel that same level of responsibility that you do. You’re not setting boundaries. If we get down to the core of it.

Tina Gosney  09:54

Sometimes this is hard for people in this position to see what you’re doing In what you do and why you do it is based on what you think other people expect of you whether or not that is true.

Tina Gosney  10:10

So here’s the problem, resentful, and costly accommodation says, This is what it’s saying to another person, I will give you everything, I will not even pay attention to what I want or need. So that you will think highly of me, I’ll do whatever you want, without requiring anything back from you, including your respect and your kindness. Because I want you to like me, and I want you to value me in your life, I don’t know who I am, if you don’t value me in your life. That is what is at the core of resentful and costly accommodation.

Tina Gosney  10:53

You know, it’s really based in a desire to not take responsibility for what you want. And instead you accommodate another person’s wants, in an effort to get their validation or approval. I know that women will do this very, very well costly and, and resentful accommodation.

Tina Gosney  11:17

And one of the reasons is that we are culturally conditioned, to not even pay attention to the fact that we have wants and needs, we are taught that we our existence is to serve and to give and to nurture and care for other people. And when we live into that role to such a degree, that we deny that we even have needs on once, that is very, very costly to the person to the woman, not gonna say that women are the only ones that do this, because they’re not, but it’s more prevalent in women. It’s based in a fear of losing the relationship. So instead of the losing the relationship, you lose yourself. In fact, sometimes we never even find ourselves to begin with, we never even knew who we were to begin with.

Tina Gosney  12:11

Because we’ve just been doing this costly, resentful accommodation for so long. So we collapse ourselves, and we collapse into someone else, we abandon ourselves and our wants and our desires, we act out of fear and out of uncertainty in their relationship. If I it’s like, if I don’t take care of this. And if I don’t do this, then nobody will and that’s not okay. And if I don’t do this, I don’t know that you’re gonna keep wanting to be around me. You might just go find someone else that will fill this need, but I want to keep you and I want to keep you in this relationship with me. So I will do anything that I have to to fill that need for you.

Tina Gosney  12:55

Oftentimes, we’re acting out of trying to keep the peace, or to try to keep things from falling apart. When once you think about how costly that piece is, and how this is not actually a true measure of the relationship. Because when you do not acknowledge your own wants and your own needs, you’re not letting yourself be known to yourself or to anybody else.

Tina Gosney  13:18

And in order to have a strong human being, you have to know your own wants and desires. You have to know who you are, what you want, and why you want it. That creates a strong human being. So why do we do this? Because we can’t tolerate the uncertainty. We can’t tolerate the anxiety, of not collapsing, of not giving so much of ourselves. When somebody else might think about us in a way that we don’t want them to think of, they might decide to leave us if we don’t cave to what they want us to do, and what we think they expect of us.

Tina Gosney  13:56

This plays directly into our need for tribal survival. So we are such tribal people that we have to keep people around us our brain thinks if I don’t have people around me, that love me and accept me and want me and rely on me, then I am not valuable in my community and my group and they might kick me out. And for us, our brains are like that is not okay. Because if I get kicked out, that means I’m gonna die. It always goes back to I’m going to die. That is That means I will die. So this plays directly into that tribal survival.

Tina Gosney  14:32

Why else do we do this? Because we cannot release the need to control the outcome. Our brains want certainty. Our brains think that we can do that by how we manage other people. Like it’s like, I can’t trust you to be able to do this thing that’s so important and that affects my life too. So I’m going to manage you. You can see that in that example that I gave at the beginning with a woman who found out that her husband was looking at porn. Sometimes the stakes, we think are so high, that we can’t leave that outcome to somebody else. We can’t trust them because they’re not as capable, or they’re not as committed to the, to the right outcome as we are. And so we take on way too much. And we take on things that are not ours to take on. And it feels like we’re dragging and pulling and pushing somebody along, to get to the outcome that we think they have to have.

Tina Gosney  15:32

And we let our fear take over. Fear is a useful emotion, but we let it or we let it sit in the driver’s seat, way, way too often. Fear is a great emotion, if we are running for our life, we want to be afraid, because it gives us that adrenaline to get up and go and try to save our life. But when we are living in fear of losing a relationship, in fear of somebody thinking about us in a way that we don’t want them to think of, then we are acting, I promise you we’re taking actions that are not giving us a result that we want. They’re not good, they’re not going to give us the ultimate goal that we want. Fear never does a good job when it’s in the driver’s seat.

Tina Gosney  16:22

In this healthy relationships class, I’m going to go deeper into ways that we can deal with our resentment and our accommodation of others. You’re going to leave this class with a plan to start working on this. And here’s one thing that you can do to get started before the class, you can ask yourself, when was the last time I felt resentful? Why did I feel that way? What was I afraid to ask for? Those are important questions for you.

Tina Gosney  16:54

And I’m inviting you again to come to this healthy relationships from the inside out class. Next week, I’ll be talking about the seven losing relationship strategies, and then how to do something else this four part plan. Instead, what do we do instead, I’m going to give you a framework that has steps that you can use every day, it’s not going to be a class where you just leave with some notes, and you don’t know how to do anything that you’ve written down. And it just sits in a notebook with great ideas, other great ideas that you don’t know how to put into your life. I’m going to teach you how to put these steps into action.

Tina Gosney  17:29

So there’s a link in the show notes. I look forward to seeing you there.

Tina Gosney  17:32

And just one more reminder, content consumption does not make changes, to really make the changes that you want. Come to the healthy relationships from the inside out class. There’s a link in the show notes. I’ll see you there.

Tina Gosney  17:48

If you like what you’re hearing on the podcast, and you want to take the next step, set up a strategy call with me. I offer a discounted coaching call for first time clients. This is perfect for you if you’re wanting to try out this coaching thing and find out what it’s all about. Or if you’re someone who has this one relationship issue where you feel stuck, you just need some help with it. The price for these calls will be going up in April of 2024. And for the first quarter of 2024. I’ll be offering 24 of these calls at the current price of $25. These calls will go fast and when I’ve done 24 of them, the price goes up. Schedule your call today before they’re gone.