If you’re feeling hurt and stuck in a relationship you want to be different, this episode will help you start to move forward.
If you do things the way you’ve always done them, you’ll get the same results you’ve always had.
So, start doing something different. Start moving forward. Start showing up differently.
Listen to this episode to learn more.
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relationship, watering, Chinese bamboo tree, person, roots, feel, stuck, nurturing, fertilizing, growth, creating, tree, happening, hurt, seed, growing, farmer, pressured, fertile soil, victim
Tina Gosney 00:00
You’re listening to The Coaching Your Family Relationships Podcast, episode 56, Creating the Relationship You Want to Have.
Is there someone in your family that’s hard to get along with? Then you’re in the right place. I’m Tina Gosney, a family relationship coach, and I’m here to help you with that family relationship that seems impossible. Each week, I’ll talk to you about what you can do to feel better. I’ll also give you two takeaways and one challenge, knowledge, action and coaching working together or the perfect mix to help you join me in this podcast to see how this is going to work for you.
Welcome back to the podcast, you may have noticed that the name of this podcast has recently changed. It’s now called The Coaching Your Family Relationships Podcast.
But I’m still here, I’m still Tina Gosney. And I’m still giving you relationship tools that will help you to find more love, peace and satisfaction in your relationships. But I’m not solely focusing anymore on just parenting adult children.
Because these relationship tools apply to much more than just the parent child relationship. These can be applied across the board to any relationship. Now I love to focus on family relationships, because I believe families are so important. I believe families have the possibility of providing strong foundations for each individual that’s in them.
And I have a mission to help families heal, to help them create those strong foundations one person at a time.
Quite regularly, when I start new clients is they tell me really long stories about someone in their family, that’s really difficult to get along with. They have lots and lots of reasons about why this person is difficult. They’ve actually been building up mounds and mounds of evidence over a long period of time of why this person is just impossible.
You know, all the things that this person has done, the things they’ve said that were hurtful, I hear about all these things, how mean they’ve been how hard they are to get along with how they’re so inconsiderate of other people, so on and so on. Now I know it’s really helpful, to have a chance to tell your story to get out of what’s been festering inside of you the way that you’ve been hurt.
And the feelings that go along with that I know this is important part of the healing process is to be able to tell your story. But after you tell your story, if you keep focusing on that hurt, and the wounds from a relationship that you’ve experienced, it’s not helpful anymore, it keeps you stuck. And when you’re stuck, you will keep doing the same thing over and over again.
And you will keep recreating the same situations over and over it becomes a cycle. The relationship never moves out of that wounded and hurt space. Do you know someone who has been stuck and not able to let things go? You probably do most people do? Someone who holds on to their hurt for weeks or months or even years?
And what do you notice about that person, they don’t move forward. The longer that time goes on, the more focused they get on their own pain. And that starts to spill over into many different parts of their life, to where they’re generally unhappy people in their life. Now, I don’t want my clients to get stuck in that mind frame. So I’m so glad they’ve come to me that they’re ready to get help. They’re ready to do something different by taking action.
They just need to figure out how to do that. And know doesn’t fail as we coached together for a while one thing that comes up is why am I the one who has all the responsibility to change. I get asked this question quite often. And I know it feels really unfair, especially since they’ve been so hurt, especially since it feels like they’ve been treated so badly. But then they also have to be the one who changes in order for something to be different.
This is so hard. And if you look at it like this, it feels like you’re getting punched twice, or maybe more than twice. You’re doing all the work and the other person gets to do whatever they want to do. I want to tell you that no one ever has to do this work. It’s all completely within your power to stay exactly where you are and not change anything. But what does that cost you?
Well, you’re feeling hurt. You’re going to be continuing to be wounded. You’re going to continue to wait for the other person to change, it’s probably not going to happen, especially on your timeline or especially the way that you want it to. So that leaves you stuck, you become a victim, and you’re powerless. And victims don’t have the ability to direct their own lives, to make their own choices.
They’re at the mercy of the person who’s victimizing them, as long as they leave themselves in that situation. And one of our very basic human needs is to have the ability to self direct our own lives, to make our own choices. And when you put yourself in a victim role you give up that basic human need feels terrible. So what’s the solution?
Something has to change. Since you’re the only one that has ability to change anything for you, it’s up to you to decide what change you want to make.
Now, our relationships are a lot like the Chinese bamboo tree, just like any other tree. The Chinese bamboo tree requires water, fertile soil, sunshine, nurturing, just like any other tree. But the Chinese bamboo tree is really not like any other tree, because a farmer will plant the seed. And make sure it’s in fertile soil, make sure it’s got lots of sunlight, make sure it’s being watered.
And for the whole first year, there are no visible signs of growth above ground. But guess what, the farmer still has to show up and water the seed. And in the second year, the same thing, the soil is still fertile. It’s getting plenty of water, plenty of sunshine, plenty of nurturing.
Second year, still no growth above ground. And the same thing happens in the third year. And in the fourth year. Still, nothing grows above ground. Can you imagine showing up for four years? Watering dirt, watering something that you’re getting nothing back, you can’t see anything happening? You have no idea you think if it was any other seed, and if you didn’t know what the Chinese bamboo tree was about to do? You would for sure quit?
Because who waters a seed for four years, fertilizes it nurtures it waters, it shows up consistently time over time, without getting anything back without seeing any results.
Who does that? Well, farmers who are nurturing the Chinese bamboo tree know what’s happening. But if you didn’t know, when you wonder why you were still doing that? Would you wonder why you’re still showing up? Why you’re watering, why you’re fertilizing, why you’re nurturing. But then the fifth year, you’re going to get growth.
The Chinese bamboo tree is really amazing, because it grows about 80 feet in six weeks. Amazing. But seriously, did that tree really grow 80 feet in six weeks? No, it didn’t. What it was doing all those years, when you were showing up and you were fertilizing, and you were nurturing and making sure that had water. It was growing deep roots underground. It was not doing nothing. It didn’t just decide, all of a sudden I’m gonna start growing after five years.
Now. Well, that little tree was growing underground. It was developing a root system that was strong enough to support 80 feet of growth in six weeks. Now, sometimes we have to do the same things in our relationships, we have to show up.
We have to water we have to fertilize, we have to care for the seeds that we plant, we might not be able to see any growth, maybe for a long time. But that does not mean that it’s not happening. Think about what have happened if that farmer had just stopped watering and stopped caring for the seed. Its roots would have died.
And you would never have seen any growth above ground. He probably would have confirmed his idea that Yeah, this isn’t doing anything. My efforts are just wasted. I’m not getting any result here. If he had stopped showing up, that would have been confirmed to him. But if he stopped showing up, he would have never known that he had to do it.
For four years to see that growth in the fifth year. He would have never known that those roots were growing underground, he would have just walked away and thought well that was a waste of my time. Now if the farmer let’s just say the farmer sometime during those four years doubted that his efforts were doing any good and he just decided I can’t I can’t do this anymore. I need to know Something’s happening.
And he digged up the tree to see how it was going. He would have stunted its growth, and maybe it would have died. We live in a quick fix fast paced society, we get so frustrated when we have to wait in line or when our electronics are slow. We just have gotten used to seeing instant solutions to our problems. We have a really hard time waiting.
We have a really hard time watering, fertilizing, and nurturing we don’t see any results. And it’s so frustrating when we think that we’re the only one putting an effort. And we get resentful, and we quit. And we think things like, I’m putting in all this effort and nothing is happening. So what’s the use, nothing’s going to change anyway.
Well, as long as you keep showing up as the person that you want to be, and you do it consistently, no matter what, no matter what you get back, no matter what that person says, no matter what that person does, no matter how that person treats you, you will see progress. We don’t know when that’s going to happen. Because you need to give it time for those roots to grow. If you haven’t been doing this already, you don’t have any roots.
You don’t have a tree that can grow 80 feet in six weeks. If you haven’t been doing this, you have a really shallow foundation, those roots do not go deep. And it’s really easy for those for that tree. If it’s grown to just be toppled. Anytime, something difficult comes along. If you have taken the time to establish deep roots, to establish that you love this person, no matter what they do, and show them that love and tell them, you have to tell them, they won’t automatically
No, you have to keep showing up you have to keep watering. If you haven’t already done that, and you’re expecting to see a lot of growth, you’re expecting to see results above ground, you might see some results above ground. But then when the hard times come, that tree is going to topple, it’s not going to be standing like it should. You need to create strong foundation strong roots. And this is not easy to do, especially when the other person is still showing up the same way that feels hurtful. That is so hard to get over.
Because when we feel hurt, we drop very easily back into old patterns that are more ingrained in our brains. We drop back into the way relationship patterns, the way we used to do them, the way that keeps us stuck. And that keeps us hurt. And it keeps the relationship in an unhealthy place. But it’s okay, you don’t have to be perfect to do this.
Because you can acknowledge, Hey, I didn’t show up the way I wanted to. I’m so sorry. I really didn’t want to do that. I hope that you can forgive me. Now, if you haven’t listened to the last two episodes, Episode, 54 and 55, on apologizing and forgiving, and you want to do this, you want to do what I’m talking about creating strong roots, then I want you to go and listen to those episodes.
Because you’re not going to show up perfectly all the time, you’re going to need to forgive, you’re going to need to apologize. But you can. By doing this, you can recover no matter what the mistake is you can recover and still move forward. So I want you to think about the relationship that you want. What does it look like? What do you hope that relationship looks like?
What do you want it to look like right now? That’s the way that you show up. So I want you to think about the relationship you want? How do you interact with each other? How do you interact in that relationship? How do you show up? How do you feel? How do you think? What are the things that you do in that relationship? If it was exactly where you wanted it to be? What would that look like on your site? And that’s how you show up right now.
Because that’s how you create something different than what you presently have. That is how you move into a different place. And it doesn’t matter if the other person is doing what you think is their part, or contributing anything. Because remember, you’re creating strong roots. You’re creating goodwill, you’re creating unconditional love and safety in this relationship.
And when that other person feels that when they feel that unconditional love when they feel that safety from you that no matter what happens, you’re going to still be there. You’re going to still show up for them. That’s when you’re going to start seeing growth when they finally start feeling that way. Now, this is the process that you use for a relationship that you want to save.
Not all relationships should be saved. Sometimes the answer is to stop watering, stop fertilizing, and stop nurturing the seed and the relationship. If this is not a healthy relationship for you, that might be something you want to consider. You need to think about, and decide if this is a relationship for you that should be saved. But for their relationship, you do want to save. This is what you do. Now, here’s your two takeaways today.
I want you to ask yourself, what do I want this relationship to look like one year from now? Five years from now 10 or more years from now, what do I want this relationship to look like? And that is how you show up right now. When you have that relationship, what do you think? What do you feel? What do you do? Those are the things that you think you feel, and you do right now, no matter what. That’s takeaway, number one.
The way you think about this relationship, and your contribution to it will be the results that you see. A, you don’t have any control over the other person. But you do have control over yourself, and how you show up. Those results are within your control. They are a direct reflection of how you are thinking about the relationship and your contribution to it. So what does that look like for you?
Now, here’s your challenge. When you think about the relationship that you want, the one that’s in the future, whether it’s one, five, or 10, or more years from now, what are you like in that relationship? What can you do today, that will move you towards being that person that has that relationship?
Write it down and start working on it, this can be a really tricky thing to put into practice. In fact, most people need help to do this. And to put this into practice, to figure out what do I want the relationship to look like? Because most people don’t even know they’re so stuck in how it is right now and today. And knowing that they just don’t want this, but they don’t know what they do want.
So if you’re struggling to know how this can work for you, if you’re feeling stuck, not knowing where to go, not knowing exactly what you should be thinking or feeling or doing to move that relationship forward and nurture those roots, so that you can create that strong root foundation. If you’re feeling stuck, I want you to set up an appointment with me.
I have a few 30 minute free appointments that I offer every month. And I can help you see how this situation can apply to you and how you can move forward. And I only offer a few of them each month. So I want you to make sure that you get your spot while you can.
So go to https://tinagosney.com/apply/ That will get you to my scheduling page. Now this is I promise this is not a high pressured sales call. I hate high pressured salespeople, just asked my husband if I encounter one, I’m actually going to make a point to not buy something from them, because I just hate it so much.
This is a free 30 minute help session.
And that’s it.
Now if you need more help. After that, I’ll let you know how we can keep working together. I will never have a call with high pressured sales. So go to https://tinagosney.com/apply. Thank you for being here with me today.
I want you to remember that no one else needs to change for you to feel better in your family relationships. You are the one who gets to decide how you feel in that relationship, no matter what. Have a great day and I’ll see you next week.