Copy Of Episode 77 Top 5 Things Learned In 2022 (1)

Coming to Know Who You Are, with Aimee Gianni

Episode 78 – Coming to Know Who You Are, with Aimee Gianni

Welcome to the first episode in the Know, Love, Grow series. January is dedicated to knowing yourself and knowing your family members in new and different ways.

The Know, Love, Grow model was created by Aimee Gianni, and she will be a podcast guest the first week of each January, February, and March to teach us about what it really means to Know, Love, and Grow.

Knowing who you are and getting rid of the stories that keep you from growing and connecting with others is foundational work. Doing this work is the work that helps you get what you want most in your life.

Sign up for Aimee Gianni’s Love Notes: HERE

Download the free pdf to begin working on KNOWING yourself: HERE


Full Transcript

Hey, welcome to 2023 How’s it going? So far, it’s only a few days in. So I hope this is going well for you. And I hope that you had a great holiday season, I know that we had a really great time in our home and with our family. I’ve been really excited about the podcast and what’s coming up the first three months of 2023. And it’s going to be dedicated to a model that I learned from Amy Gianni, who was one of my mentors and my trainers. This is a model for healthy relationships. And she calls it know, love and grow.

So I’ve asked Aimee to do three episodes with me one on each of these words, no love and grow. And that episode will air the very first week of January, the first week of February in the first week of March. So this month, this episode is all about knowing yourself. She’s going to talk about what it means to really know yourself, which seems like such a simple but strange concept, don’t you think?

And then in February, we will talk about how to really love ourselves. And just a little spoiler alert, it probably doesn’t mean most of what you think it means.

And in March, we will talk about growing your relationship with yourself. How do you grow with others. And it’s just going to be a really great series altogether. I’m really excited to share this with you. I know that each of these words, and each of these concepts in this model are really important. I know they’re really important to understand them, and to know how to apply them. And so that’s why I’m doing this series.

There, I’ve got some really great episodes lined up for you, I think you’re going to love them, looking forward to sharing them with you. So make sure that you’re tuning in. There’s also a link in the show notes where you can download a PDF, to help you begin doing some of the things that Amy is talking about in this podcast. So make sure you’re going to the show notes and clicking on that link so that you can download that and start working on this for yourself.

I want you to imagine just for a moment that you have a daughter, teenage daughter, she’s been really active at church for her entire life. She hits that age around 16 ish, and she starts to change, things start to change a little bit, she starts to resist going to church on Sundays, and she doesn’t always come. And but when she does come she starts dressing differently than she has before. Maybe she wears really short skirts or a low cut blouse or she has lots of lots of makeup on. Or maybe she just looks different in some way than she has before. Maybe she stops going to the midweek youth activities, maybe she stops spending time with old friends, and with your family. And maybe she starts spending a lot of time with new friends who you don’t know. And these friends are maybe a little bit older than her. Maybe they’re not even in high school anymore. And you’re kind of worried about her, you’re kind of worried about the changes that you see in her.

So just imagine that this is happening in your family. And I know that this same thing is happening and many, many families or something similar to it. And you have a friend who says to you, Well, I would never let my daughter get away with that. Maybe you have a church leader who is pulls her aside one day and says to her, “You know what you’re setting a bad example for the other girls on the class. You might want to check and see what you’re wearing.”

Maybe you have a parent who starts to tell you that you need to put a stop to this right now. And if you don’t, you’re going to lose your daughter.

What do you think you would do? Do you lash out in anger at that church leader? Do you distance yourself from this friend? Do you start trying to control your daughter because you’re now you’re so full of fear. Your fear has just been heightened and you’re so afraid I have what is happening? What types of feelings do you think this would bring up for you? Would there be shame? Would there be anger? Is there fear? Is there some judgment there? What do you think you would think, kind of thoughts would you have about yourself? And about your daughter? Would you think? Well, I failed. If I had been better, this wouldn’t have been happening. Were you thinking there’s something wrong with her? Or maybe with you? Maybe you this is your lived experience? Or maybe there’s something similar to it. And if you haven’t had this as your lived experience, then imagine this was how do you handle this? How do you stay kind and loving to your daughter, and to yourself through this, and probably countless other situations, like it.

This is the very type of scenario that applying this model of know, love and grow, can help you with, it will help you separate yourself, and your worth as a person, as a parent, as a child, as a friend, to what other people say and what other people do. It will help you to react to your daughter with love and patience, not fear and judgment. It will help you to be able to handle the hard things like this. And any other hard situation you find yourself in in your life. Now, no love and grow might seem like a simple formula. But it’s not. It actually takes time. And it takes practice takes a lot of challenging things that we believe right now about ourselves and about others. And it takes consistent effort. But if you apply the things that you’re learning through this series, this model will help you to find your grounding in life. So that you can deal with those hard things as they come up.

Maybe you don’t even have a daughter, maybe this is not ever going to be your experience. But that doesn’t matter, because you will have other hard things that you deal with in your life. And this model can help you with those. So make sure you’re tuning in to know, love growth series in January, February, March of this year. And I look forward to sharing these very important episodes with you.

Aimee, it’s so good to have you back. I’m excited for these discussions that we’re gonna have.

Aimee Gianni 

Yes, me too. I’m so excited. Thank you for having me.

Tina Gosney 

This is really a concept that I learned from you. And that’s why I wanted to have you come and introduce each one of these pillars, these foundational things that we need to have in place in our life, in order to really have healthy relationships with ourselves and with others. And the first one is we need to know ourselves. Which sounds so odd to know yourself. Right? And to know others, like of course, don’t I know myself, don’t I know the people in my life? But often we find that we really don’t? Would you? What does it mean to know? Can you kind of define what that looks like in our lives? Just maybe what that means to you as a therapist? And as a coach?

Aimee Gianni 

Yeah, yeah. Cuz it is kind of a vague concept. Or you think well, of course, I know myself, how would I not know myself? But I find that a lot of people really don’t. And I’ll ask clients tell me about you, or who are you? And they’re like, Oh, I’m not really sure. Or they’ll tell me you know, that they like chocolate ice cream or something which is good to know, right? But anyway, to this idea of what does it mean to know yourself? There’s so many different layers to it. And I know we’ll talk about these as we go along. But it can be as surfacey as really getting in touch with, like, what do you like? What are your likes and dislikes, your strengths and weaknesses? But I think all of that leads us to this deeper work of knowing who we are in our soul, who who are we as a spirit? Who did we come as to this earth? What are our gifts and talents, which leads us to our purpose of how we like really make a difference. And so I think when we can come to know ourselves spiritually, really from the inside out, that’s when make we can make the biggest impact and have it make a difference in the world.

Tina Gosney 

Great, I so often, we’ll start out with clients and just trying to get to know them. And I asked them what they want to get out of coaching. And a pretty common answer is, well, I want to fulfill my purpose on the earth. So I asked them, well, what is that? And then there’s blank. I just don’t know how to answer that question. And so we spend some time trying to figure it out. And by the time we’re done with coaching, they have a better idea and even more clear view of who they are and what their per verses on the earth. So that is I think it’s interesting that you said, from the soul from the spirit, like, who are you? Who are you supposed to be? Who are you? What are you supposed to do on the earth? Where are you here? What’s your purpose?

Aimee Gianni 

Yeah. And I think a lot of times people look outside themselves. Like, I’m that there’s this, you know, because we hear that a lot like, oh, we want to fulfill our divine mission and our purpose. And we’re like, Okay, where is it? And we’re looking for it like it’s outside of us, like, we have to go on this treasure hunt outside of us to find it. And what I find is the best path to that is to turn inward and take a look at okay, what are my strengths? What are my talents, as well as desires, I think desires also really lead us to find our purpose because, and not desires from a place of agitation. Because I think when we’re agitated, and we have a desire for something often that’s coming more from our ego than from our spirit. But when we’re coming from a place of stillness, and we can identify what do we really want? What do we care about what’s important? What do we desire to have in life? I always think of desire and strength and weaknesses as the breadcrumbs that lead us to find our purpose and our mission.

Tina Gosney 

Oh, that’s really nice. I haven’t thought about it like that before. I think that usually, especially in the church, we feel like there’s some mission I’m supposed to do here on the earth. And I need to find it if I don’t find that, that I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Yes. And if I desire something, it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t align with that mission that I was sent here to do. Mm hmm. I really don’t think that anymore. I think that Heavenly Father really wants us to find out what we want for ourselves. Yes. And he’s much more concerned with who we’re becoming on this earth rather than what we’re doing. Because he’s going to help us, no matter what we’re doing, to have experiences that help us to become who we are becoming.

Aimee Gianni 

Yes, I agree. 100% It’s who we’re becoming. That’s what matters. And I think that he planted these desires in us our righteous desires before we came, like I say, to help us fine, I think he gave us the breadcrumbs to find our purpose and our mission. And, and, and we came with those desires, right? We came who we are as a spirit. And so we have the clues that we need, if we can turn inward and find that stillness, then we will be led to that to our purpose and our mission.

Tina Gosney 

Yeah, I think that that is a great way to think about it. That those desires are leading us to figure out who we are, know ourselves better. And that when we know ourselves better, that is when we are moving into this person growing as a person. Yeah, we’re gonna get to it later episodes, but that leads us to where we can grow later.

Aimee Gianni 

Yes.

Tina Gosney 

Jennifer Finlayson-Five talks about not just knowing people in your life, but being knowable. What is this? What do you think she means by being knowable? I know, you know what it means. So yeah, yeah. I don’t think most people do know what it means, though, to be knowable.

Aimee Gianni 

Yeah. And so I think the interesting thing is that in order to be knowable, you really have to know who you are. So that’s really the foundation is you knowing you. But then once you know you, it’s allowing others to see that. And sometimes I think we hide that, or maybe we have shame, about different things. But it’s allowing others, especially those close to you, because if you want to have an honest, intimate collaborative marriage relationship, you need to be knowable for your spouse. And so that just means that they get to see you, you can put your walls down, you can show them your of course, we want to show everyone our strengths, but you can also be vulnerable and let other people see your weaknesses. And you can admit to those weaknesses, right, I think that’s a big part of, of being knowable.

And it’s using also like, where are you difficult to be with? In what ways? Do you kind of, you know, because we’re all difficult, let’s just be honest, right? We’re all humans. And so, you know, when we come together with somebody, there are ways that we are difficult to be married to. And so it’s us being willing to see that confront that and allow that to be there in the relationship, of course, in a way that you can then move forward and grow from that, right. It’s not just kind of accepting it like, these are all my weaknesses, and here they are, and I’m not going to do anything about it. Right. But being engaged in a way that you can be yourself and also be on the path towards growth.

Tina Gosney 

You’re letting those walls down. That part of you that holds back and says if they knew this about me Even they wouldn’t like me. Yeah. Wouldn’t love me or I wouldn’t be accepted here. Right? Letting that part of yourself come out and letting it be okay.

Aimee Gianni 

Yeah. And letting it be seen letting it be knowable.

Tina Gosney 

And I love how you said not just saying okay, here I am, this is just take me or leave me, but it’s looking at those things that you are difficult in. And not necessarily just letting them stay there without you working on them. And, and saying, Okay, I realized that this is me and this is mine to work on and I’m gonna work on it.

Aimee Gianni 

Yeah. We don’t just take me or leave me.

Aimee Gianni 

Yeah, exactly. Um, because that’s kind of that’s more resignation, I think. Right? And so we can we want to accept our weaknesses. And I guess we’ll talk about more of this one, we talk about love, also, but it’s really being accepting yourself where you are, which leads to growth, as opposed to just be like, Yeah, I’m just resigned, like, Yeah, this is it?

Tina Gosney 

Yeah, yeah. Which feels that’s very disempowering for both sides, right? I feel like I can’t change this is just the way that I am, that I am. And then for your spouse, or the other person you’re in a relationship with to feel like, well, they’re not going to ever change this is. I don’t like the way that this relationship is going. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

Aimee Gianni 

Yeah, that feels really frustrating. People end up feeling really stuck, I think, when when one partner is is, takes that approach, but you both have weaknesses, and if you can both recognize that, but yet continue to move forward and grow together. That’s empowering. And that’s really what leads to strong, intimate, collaborative, connected marriages.

Tina Gosney 

Right? What are some of the things that you think contribute to us not knowing who we are, and not being able to find that true inner self inside out that you were talking about? Yeah,

Aimee Gianni 

I think the main thing that gets in our way, is our ego. And so we really, because a lot of times, we don’t want to look in the mirror, we don’t want to self confront, because it’s hard to look at where we’re difficult. And so I think that’s the main thing is our ego gets in the way. And I think another part of being knowable, and figuring out who we are, is taking a look at some of our conditioning or just from our childhood things, patterns that we learned, right? So we could talk about attachment style, we all have different attachment styles, which affects how we show up in relationships, and just how we show up in our life. And sometimes we don’t want to look at those things, because we don’t ever want to say that our childhood wasn’t wonderful and perfect, right? And so I think, so that’s one way I think that ego can get in the way is if it’s like, well, I don’t want to look at anything negative. Or anything bad that happened, or ways that I’m not showing up beautifully. And so our ego just causes us to just shove all that under the carpet and not look at it. So I think that really gets in the way.

Tina Gosney 

I’ve noticed that the further I’ve gotten into this work, the more I’ve questioned the who I always thought I was. Hmm, that is that I don’t know if that’s self confrontation, or if that’s just questioning, do I believe that I’m this kind of person? Because because I’ve seen it myself? Or because someone told me that they saw that in me and I just took it in and believed it. And that the will this is just the way that I am? Or was am I just not even seeing myself for really who I am. So I think and I think that feeds into what you were saying about your childhood, how you were raised. Not just attachment style, but how do we put labels on each other in families, as we are growing ourselves up as kids as siblings, right? And then also as parents with their own children, we put labels on them and tend to think oh, they’re just this way. And then they start to believe that about themselves. And so how much of it is that? Versus? Well, this is really who I am. I don’t I don’t even know the answer. Because I don’t know if there’s a way to separate it out.

Aimee Gianni 

Yeah. And I think that’s part of the process and of getting to know yourself is the sorting process of really like looking at everything examining it and being like okay, I’ve always believed this about myself. Why have I believed that about myself because sometimes we do, you know, we’re always talking about outside in versus inside out. So the outside in is in What have other people told me about myself? My whole life, right? Or what have I learned? What’s this conditioning? What if people said, oh, Amy’s this way, or women are this way, or mothers are this way? Or whatever it is? Versus Who am I really, and so I think the only way to figure that out is to just kind of pick it apart and take a look at it and say, Okay, I’ve always believed this about myself, Why have I believed that? Is it because I have evidence from myself? Is it because people told me that, and then just deciding if it’s something that you want to believe about yourself or not, right, because that you really do have the power to decide you can look at each thing and decide what you want to hold on to and what you want to let go of?

Tina Gosney 

I think that’s a novel idea for most people, I don’t think most people realize that they can decide what to hold on to and believe what to not hold on to and just put on the put in the trash or just leave it behind. And not take it with you as you move forward. I think it’s going to be sub there’s going to be some people that have some questions. wonder like, how do I do that? I have permission to do that. Yes.

Aimee Gianni 

You all permission to do that? Yeah,

Tina Gosney 

I want to talk about Jennifer Finlayson-Five, again, I’ve been doing one of her courses, she talks a bit in the very beginning of one of her courses about what the message is that we hear at church. And especially, I’m going to focus on women here for a minute because she that’s how she what her focus is on. And she talks about how we are constantly reinforced that a good woman, a good mother, while good woman is a mother, first of all, and a good woman is someone who is constantly serving, who is selfless, who never thinks of herself. And in fact, she shows videos that our church produced, she cites language in manuals and how it’s different in the manual for the young men that it is for the young women. Really, it kind of sent me on my heels, listening and watching this course I’m taking from her. And then also seeing that in my own life, how I was conditioned to give myself selflessly and to not want anything and not desire anything for myself. Seeing it show up big time in my clients right now. Yeah. And how, how many women who are, have been married for decades? Yeah, don’t know who they are. And it starts to really, the cracks start to really show and get bigger when the kids move out, when the kids start to leave and get their own lives. And then you’re kind of left with, well, what do I want? For me? I have the second half of my life. I don’t even know what I want. Yeah. What have you seen in your own practice? And what do you like? What are your thoughts about any of this?

Aimee Gianni 

Well, I think so much of our life as LDS women is scripted, up to that point, right until the kids leave. Because I remember when, I have twin boys. And when they left for college, I remember thinking, oh, wait a minute. Now I get to do whatever I want. When I could have done whatever I wanted all along, right? But I remember thinking like, Oh, this is my script, like, this is what I’m supposed to be doing. And I’m following this script. And then I just remember that almost like I was, of course, sad when they left and they’re back. And I love having them home and all of that I love being a mom and I love that part of my life. But I also remember feeling a little bit of like freedom, like oh my gosh, wait a minute. Now I get to choose, I get to do anything I want. And it was kind of exciting for me. But anyway, I do see that happen a lot, where people are so busy women, right? We’re talking about women here are so busy just kind of following this script. And then when there’s no script, they’re like, Wait, a minute, right. And sometimes it goes in a really positive direction. And they take the opportunity to really get to know themselves and to move in a great direction. And sometimes they kind of fall apart. Because they don’t really know. And they end up doing things that, you know, they don’t necessarily want to be doing. And then there’s that. Yeah.

Tina Gosney 

And then there’s that whole I’m in my 40s or 50s. And I don’t even know what I want for my own life.

Aimee Gianni 

Yeah,

Tina Gosney 

I think oh, sorry. Go ahead. But yeah,

Aimee Gianni 

I think that’s one of the dangers of not knowing yourself is that then you end up merging with other people, right? Because if you don’t know who you are, you don’t know where you end and another person begins and so a lot of times, we just merge with others and think that then we know who we are right so like It’s very common, especially if you get married early, because who knows who they are? And when they’re in their early 20s? You know, I certainly didn’t. And so you get married, and you kind of merge with this person and create an identity around that, right? Or you have children, and you end up kind of merging with them. Or maybe, you know, and it doesn’t just have to be a spouse or children. It can be friends, or even, you know, with work situations. But I think that’s the danger of not knowing who you are, is you end up merging and you have this enmeshment with people. And then sometimes that’s really hard to unravel and separate. Yeah.

Tina Gosney 

And when we, let’s go back to the selfless serving, constantly serving, yes. And even at the sacrifice of anything that we might have watched for ourselves. And the damage that that can sometimes do, I don’t think that the church means harm here. But often, women are so many women these days, I see it, not just in my own clients, but in some of my family members. Yeah, certainly in some of my friends. In feeling like if we’re not if I’m not serving, I’m not a valuable person. Yeah. And I have to be giving, giving, giving, giving all the time, because, and I’m thinking that is where they’re getting their sense of, this is who I am, this is how I find my value in the world. And if I’m not serving, then I don’t have value.

Aimee Gianni 

Yeah, they’re chasing value. Yes. Right. Because we all want to feel valued. We all want to feel like we have value. And so I think you’re right, like people chase that. They’re like, Okay, I want to feel valued. And so I’m told, if I’m serving, then I have value. So they just chase after that. And then I think sometimes get angry when things don’t work out well for them, right? Because it almost becomes this transactional piece of like, well, I’m doing all of this, I’m doing all of these things. Why am I not happy? Why is Why is this not working out for me? Right.

Tina Gosney 

Right. And I think that can also be kind of a cover up for actually finding out who you were.

Aimee Gianni 

Yeah. buffering. Yeah, right. If we can just kind of buffer with service or you know, other things, then it keeps us from really knowing ourselves. And the danger of that, of course, is like, if we don’t know ourselves, how can we help other? How can we truly serve other people, or help them grow and develop and discover who they are? If we haven’t done that process ourselves?

Tina Gosney 

Because we learn the best of how to do something by doing it ourselves.

Aimee Gianni 

Yes, we learn by doing 100%.

Tina Gosney 

When you’re just teaching somebody or trying to show somebody how to do something that you don’t know actually how to do yourself. It just falls flat. And it doesn’t really resonate with them.

My son, when he I just kept bugging him, he was in high school. And he didn’t show a actually like an interest in one thing or another as far as studying after high school where I some of my daughters did. And so I kept asking him, what do you want to study after school after you graduate? What do you want to do? And I think that I probably pressed it a little too hard. And, and maybe not just one time, but over a period of probably a couple of years.

As I look back and think about it. And I there was one day, I know that I pressed him too hard. And I can even picture where we were standing in the house as we had this conversation. And I said, What do you want to study? What do you want to do with your life? And he just turned around to me and he said, Well, what do you want to do with your life? And at this time, oh, gosh, how old was I? I think I was in my mid 40s. And it just stopped me dead in my tracks. And I had no answer for him. I’ve been doing a job I’d like a part time job from home for years ever since before he was born that I never, never fully invested myself in.

I was doing it because I was waiting until I found what I really wanted to do. And I was in my mid 40s and had not really found what I wanted to do with my life yet. But just having him say that, to me, kind of sent me on a journey first into a little bit of shame that I didn’t know. Right and I wasn’t probably doing a good job of helping him figure out what he wanted to do but then into really questioning what do I want for myself? What do I enjoy doing what lights me up? What do I like to have and what to bring into my own life? And I’ve noticed that as I start doing that work that actually has helped me to develop as a person in ways that I never was able to of work.

Aimee Gianni 

Yeah. And look at the impact. I’m guessing I’m sure you were what fabulous mother before this, but I’m guessing you’re even an even better mother. Now.

Tina Gosney 

I hope so.

Aimee Gianni 

Yeah. I’m sure you are. Right, a better friend. I think the more that we develop ourselves. It’s not sometimes we think it’s selfish, because we are people will say that, right? Oh, that’s so selfish. But it’s not, it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. And for those around you, it’s good for your children, it’s good for your spouse, it’s good for your friends. It’s good for the world. Right? Because now like I look at the amazing work, you’re doing team and look at the lives you’re impacting look at the influence you’re having, like, on such a big, I mean, I don’t just mean big, like a huge audience. But I mean, you are able to contribute to the world in such a beautiful way. Right. And then you can bring that back to all these other levels of like friends and spouse and children, and then it’s good for you too. But what’s good for you is going to be good for everyone.

Tina Gosney 

That’s such a beautiful concept. And thank you for that, by the way that was very sweet. But that’s also something that Jennifer Finlayson-Five talks about, when you create goodness in your own life. It can’t help but radiate out and create more goodness in the world, it just naturally carries outside of you. Yes. And if we are living into who we’ve told, we’ve been told that we are more than who we have found out and discovered that we are, we’re not actually creating that goodness for yourself. Work, yes, regurgitating information. It’s almost like studying for a test, and then just, you know, spouting off the facts, and, but not actually letting it become part of you. Everything that, you know,

Aimee Gianni 

Yeah, that’s a beautiful example. I love that. And also, like applying that to service when we’re talking about, you know, selfless service, I think, serving from a place of abundance versus serving from a place of lack or two very different experiences, right? When we’re serving from a place of, of lack of, I need to find my worth, because I don’t have value or worth unless I’m serving, that’s such a grasp the place to be serving from versus I know who I am, I’m full of love. I want to share my love and my service with other people. Like that’s a beautiful experience. And I think that’s really what the church, you know, we talk about what we learned from the church, I think that’s really what they want us doing, because that’s a good place to be.

Tina Gosney 

I agree. I think so too. When we do take that. That idea that a good woman is someone who is selfless and just serves and never thinks of herself. We take it to an extreme. Anything taken to an extreme becomes then a not a good thing. Yes, the strength that we might have that we use overuse, we say can become a weakness. What do you think? Take it to an extreme? Hmm, what would that look like?

Aimee Gianni 

Yeah, so um, I just see this, there was a video that I’m thinking of in particular that I saw years ago, that is probably still around. And it was this poor woman who has just like struggling with just like so many things going on. And she just didn’t know how to say no, she just kept saying yes, yes, yes, yes to everyone except for to herself. Right. And at the end of the day, it’s her and her own family that suffering and struggling. And so that’s kind of what I think of when I think of taking it to an extreme and what that looks like. And also I think this resentment, it’s really easy for resentment to come in. Right? And to have this transactional view of, well, no, wait a minute, I’m doing all of this. I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Why aren’t I feeling better? Why isn’t my life better? Why or why am I not getting back? What I thought I was gonna get back from all of this. So I think it’s easy to have resentment creep in. So that that’s kind of what I think of as far as what that looks like.

Tina Gosney 

Right? And resentment is just a huge red flag that we should all be paying attention to. Yeah, something is out of alignment, something is wrong. Mm hmm. Maybe put a pause on life and take a look at it and see where you need to go to make some correction.

Aimee Gianni 

Yeah, yes. And you know, a lot of times we teach as coaches that you know, our thoughts create our feelings, which they do So sometimes if we have a negative feeling, it’s like, Oh, I’m just gonna change my thought. But that’s actually not the most helpful thing to do. You really want to take a look at what is this emotion telling me? What is it teaching me? So when there’s resentment, you don’t want to just copy and paste a happy thought over that to kind of mask the resentment. You want to go toward it and say, Okay, I am feeling resentment. Why am I feeling resentment? And dig in there? Because there’s going to be good information. And then that’s, that’s where you go with that. That’s where you know, there’s work to be done.

Tina Gosney 

Yes. I think that that’s the work I do with a lot of my clients. Let’s learn from our emotions. So we can figure out why we’re feeling this. Yeah, what’s not working, and what maybe we need to want to we want to do in going forward. I love the emotional work is a favorite part of coaching.

Aimee Gianni 

And I think that and I’m sure you see this with your clients, that clients because of shame, right? They kind of push that away like, Well, I’m not supposed to feel resentment, or I’m not supposed to feel sad or upset. I’m supposed to be happy all the time. I think that kind of goes with a lot of conditioning about women that we just serve all the time. And we’re just happy about it. Right, right. There’s so much shame. I’m sure you have to peel back a lot of that when you do that emotion work with your clients.

Tina Gosney 

Yes. Because even though we’re told this is who we should be, and who should want to be if that’s not feeling like, inside, this is who I want to be, then it’s well, there’s something wrong with me. Yes. Something wrong with me that I don’t want this ideal that I’m told that I’m supposed to be? Yeah, that’s a really hard place to be.

Aimee Gianni 

That is a hard place to be. Yeah. Because people always assume it’s them that they’re broken. Yeah. Rather than just looking at the information, right.

Tina Gosney 

Yeah. Like you were talking about before in our last podcast, we put the problem on the table in front of us, isn’t as the problem isn’t our spouse is what we were talking about in marriage. But in this case, we’re going to take the problem out of us put it on the table, and then we look at it without it defining who we are, or making it mean something bad about us.

Aimee Gianni 

Without all the judgment piling all that judgment, right. Because judgment always keeps us from accessing the very thing that we need to move forward. Right? Yes, yeah. So when we can take the judgment off, put that on the table and look at it, you’re going to learn so much and figure out who you are, right? That’s part of figuring out who you are.

Tina Gosney 

And what are some other ways to figure out who you are? I mean, we’re gonna take out resentment, take out emotions, and put them as a problem on the table and look at them. Let’s see. What else Well, other ways can we learn?

Aimee Gianni 

I think stillness is really important to find stillness in your life, because when you can find stillness, that’s when those little whisperings are going to come, that’s when you’re going to know you’re going to have the ideas, you’re going to be in touch with yourself. And I’m someone who I love. Like, I love listening to podcasts, I love music. So whenever I’m driving, or running, or whatever, I’ve always have something going on in my brain, and my brain is going a million miles an hour. And every once in a while, I feel like my brain is just like, Okay, no, I don’t want any more noise right now. And so I will drive in silence, or I will run or walk in silence. And I feel like that’s when I get to know myself is in those moments of stillness. And so I think our lives are just so noisy and so busy right now are just seems to get busier and busier, because there’s always stuff happening. And we have so much input. So I think just shutting all of that out. And finding stillness is really important. And one of the best ways to know yourself.

Tina Gosney 

I think I have done that quite a bit. When I’m keeping my hands busy doing something. Vacuuming. Outside, pulling weeds has been a big one. When I’m when my hands and my body are busy. And I let my mind not be working on something because you don’t need to really think to pull weeds or to vacuum. Right. I’ve done it many times. I don’t need to think much to do that. But that is when I have a lot of things come to me. Yes. Say that they’re, they’re whisperings of the spirit saying. I want you to pay attention to this. Or maybe let’s look at this over here in a different way. Or I just learned so much about myself and about the people in my family and faith at those times when I’m doing really mundane tasks and not filling my brain with something on purpose.

Aimee Gianni 

Yeah. Finding that stillness. Let your soul and your Spirit speak to you and God speak to you. And I think another and this kind of goes with the judgment piece but it we learn a lot about ourselves in discomfort. So when we can move towards discomfort, those negative feelings and learn about ourselves like, Okay, I’m really uncomfortable. Why am I uncomfortable? What’s hard for me here? Why do I want to run from this? Taking a look at that I think all of that really helps us know who we are as well.

Tina Gosney 

And I think human nature is I’m not comfortable. There’s some discomfort here. I need to put up a wall or I need to push it away. Yep. So it’s actually the opposite of what we should be doing. Yes, sometimes act against what our brains and our bodies want to tell us to do. Yes, run and hide, instead go towards

Aimee Gianni 

To go for it to learn from that. Yeah, there’ll be lessons in there for sure.

Tina Gosney 

Yeah, I have loved this Amy has has been so helpful for people to just have this idea, this concept of what does it mean to know yourself? Why is it important? How do you do that? Yes, we’re gonna meet again, and we’re going to talk about love. Love. Yes, we Awesome.

Aimee Gianni 

Thank you so much.

Tina Gosney 

And how do people find you, if they want to get a hold of you later?

Aimee Gianni 

Yeah, they can go to my website, I know, you’ll put all this in the show notes. But it’s on aimeegianni.com. You can go there and sign up for my love notes. I think there’ll be a separate link. Actually, you can either sign up for my love notes on my website or another another link that you can put in the show notes. And they can also follow me on Instagram @amygiannims. And I talk about relationships, relationship tips. I have a group that I do called The Art of Intimate Connection to teach people how to have honest, intimate and collaborative marriages.

Tina Gosney 

How often do you start a new group?

Aimee Gianni 

I start on like every, every few months. And so yeah, so if people want to go to my website and get on the waiting list, they’ll be notified when I start my next group.

Tina Gosney 

Okay, great. Thank you so much.

Aimee Gianni 

Thank you having me. I always love talking with you.

Tina Gosney 

I hope you learned a lot of things from this, how to know yourself episode with Amy. And she talked about finding the true you, the person that you that you were sent to this earth to be and the person that you were when you got here. Once we get to Earth, we get told a lot of things about who we are and other people label us and define us. And then we begin to believe those labels and it can be really, really hard to separate out our true selves from the labels that we received. When we got here.

I’ve been reading a book by James Hollis. And there was a quote in here that was so perfect for this episode. I just want to share this with you. He says:

Where we find patterns, we will also likely find core emotion laden ideas within us. Ideas that may or may not be conscious, may or may or may not be accurate, may not even be ours but have been part of our formative experience and the primal atmosphere we inhabited. We all internalized messages from daily life, from popular media from our family of origin, from religious, educational, political, economic, and other cultural influences. And from the varieties of our personal biographies. These messages tell us what to do, avoid this, engage that, perform this action, or they instruct us what not to do. Be quiet, hide out, don’t reveal what you’re feeling. We were not born with these messages, but we have them because we have a history. And because we are sensitive beings in need of reading the world around us to serve our survival. get our needs met as best we can and fit in. Given that most powerful and the least considered messages derived from our earliest experiences of safety, peril and adaptive instruction, whenever they are activated in our psychic life, they give the power to usurp consciousness take over and execute their archaic programs. The most powerful of these messages derived from our earliest relationships, and tend to accumulate as a series of reflexive responses to the stimuli of life. Letting go of them proves the most difficult of our tasks, because they once were and sometimes remain tied to our survival of fitting in our acceptance by others. The nature of our psyche is based on change, growth, curiosity and imagination. But there are very conservative elements within us that retain a commitment to the known the familiar, even when it is based on constructive perspectives.”

This is why Aimee was talking about when we talked about the ego. Our ego thinks that it already knows who we are because it created a story about ourselves a long, long time ago, there were reasons that our ego created that story it was for our survival. But our ego wants to keep recreating the same story because it feels safe. It still feels like a story that we need to fit in, that we need for survival.

But our true self is the one that is based in change, growth, curiosity, and imagination. And those things by their very nature, are ways that we find ourselves that we grow into our purpose here on this earth. We don’t grow by recreating the same ideas of who we think we are, that we were told when we were growing up. And when you begin to really know who you truly are, you stop allowing yourself to be defined by things that are outside of you.

Think about that, you’re more grounded in yourself. You can control the narrator inside your own brain, instead of letting what other people do or say about you, and about your family. Define your worth as a person that is truly empowering.

So start doing this work. If you’re ready. It’s challenging. I’m warning you. It’s challenging. It challenges a lot of things that you consider to be true beliefs right now, especially about yourself. Start doing this work by downloading that PDF, go to the show notes finds the link. That’s where it is.

And I look forward to joining you next week, where we’re going to find out about something called The Four Tendencies. So I’ll see you then.